9-24-14

I woke up this morning after being awaken by a dream. I had finally made it home and was getting ready to go to Derek’s football game. I could feel a sense of relief and excitement. I was finally home. In my dream Kaydren was being mean. Brian was rubbing every thing I’ve ever done wrong in my face. Typical. I felt bad but yet still happy that I was going to Derek’s game. In my dream I knew I was sick. And for some reason knowing I was sick gave me me permission to not care what Kaydren and Brian thought anymore. I’d paid my dues and was continuing to do so. I knew that nothing mattered anymore but being there for my son.

This was only a dream but it’s been my reality. Two years ago I walked away from everyone. I don’t have an excuse other than I was tired. For once I wanted something good in my life. For so many years, I envied so many friends for having the perfect life. The perfect husband. The perfect home, job etc. I have been fighting all of my life. I worked hard and did my best to be a good mother, daughter, sister, friend and even girlfriend and/or wife. Nothing was ever enough. I failed!!! I always felt unappreciated and worse unimportant. I never felt good enough. In 2010 I began to snap. I remember working hard to surprise Brian with something awesome for Christmas. I worked hard to shower my kids with everything they wanted. Growing up we were poor. My brother and I never had the Christmas’s my kids have grown accustomed to. Heck I remember one year all santa left under the tree was one gift. It was a sleeping bag. I remember being envious of all the lucky kids at my school who were lucky enough to have santa deliver a bag full of goodies. I knew there wasn’t a santa. I knew we were poor. I guess I just wished my life was different. The result is I’ve spent a lifetime overcompensating others with all the things I didn’t have and wish that I’d had so many years ago. I guess that’s why I’ve always given to those less fortunate. I hated being poor so why would I want that for others? Big mistake.

On that particular Christmas in 2010, I worked hard to surprise Brian with a Traeger BBQ. It was very expensive. He was so excited. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was to see the excitement on his face. He was like a kid in a candy store. Unfortunately, he on the other hand surprised me with long johns from Walmart. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mean to be ungrateful, I suppose I was just let down. I felt like I was always the one giving and trying to make everyone happy and I was also the one who got nothing in return. Looking back I know it was silly but at the time I was hurt. From that day forward things changed. I changed. And not for the better. I’d give anything to go back to that moment and just be grateful. About 9 months later my dad died and from there things only got worse.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’ve never said I was perfect. I’ve hurt a lot of people along the way and I’ve been hurt also. I’m not one to carry a grudge. I’m always willing to forgive. I’m also willing to step up to the plate and admit I was wrong. What I don’t like are those who are far to eager to throw my flaws in my face and not assume responsibility for their own actions. I believe in every situation it takes 2. Have I screwed up?! Absolutely!! I have no trouble admitting it. I have had the luxury of surrounding myself with people who live in glass houses. At times, I find myself living in one also. I can admit that. It just sucks when others are quick to point out my flaws and even quicker to deny their own. That drives me crazy. I received a phone call on Sunday. During the conversation, I was told my ex husband had said I got what I deserved. He even said my dad wished this on me. He didn’t stop there. He called me some very derogatory names. I have to admit, I was NOT surprised at all. However, I was very hurt. I still am. I don’t think anyone deserves cancer!!!! Not anyone. I don’t believe in wishing bad things on any one either. Not even my ex husband. Of course, not everyone thinks the same. Apparently, I have a lot of haters and my ex husband is still one of them.

As I sat on the couch drinking coffee and reflecting I realized I’ve been praying for forgiveness for over 2 years. I’ve reached out to god. I’ve prayed for guidance, I’ve prayed for a door to open but I finally realized it’s not going to happen. My prayers are not going to be answered. That miracle isn’t coming my way. This is my life. It sucks. I’m going home on October 16th to see my son play football. I am not going to get my hopes up that my kids will acknowledge my existence. I’m not going to wish for forgiveness or happy times. I may not survive this battle. Who knows. I’ll keep fighting. I’ll keep giving it my best shot but not with the same drive and determination anymore. I’ll just be thankful for the opportunity to see my son play football. I’ll be thankful for kissing my moms soft cheek. I miss that. I’ll be thankful to see my friends. Other than that I don’t care anymore. I’m tired and in truth I’ve given this crazy life my best shot. I’ve done my best. I want to live. I hope I get through this. I’m just so tired of fighting but more importantly I’m tired of fighting god. “You win!”

Today I’m what I hated the most. Poor! I don’t have a pot to piss in. I don’t have a dime for a Popsicle much less a Christmas gift or birthday gift. I’m trapped in California with no family, no money, no job and I’m fighting cancer. Wow!! I didn’t see this one coming. I do however, have many things to be grateful for. I have to remember that. Growing up as kids we were poor. I have to hand it to my dad. We didn’t have much but we never went with out. We were never on welfare. We were never on the free lunch program. My dad was a lot of things but he was the most prideful man I ever knew. He worked hard every day to provide us with everything he could. Before he died he asked me for his forgiveness. He explained he had done some bad things in his life and made some bad choices but his only excuse was he wanted the best for me and my brother. I forgave him that very moment and I was by his side every day. Today I know how he felt that day and I have to say, if I didn’t love him with all of my heart that day, today I love him even more. With that said, my ex can say what he wants, he can call me names, wish bad things on me and even say my dad wished this on me but if there’s one thing I know it is my dad loved me. He made mistakes just like me and if my dad was alive today, he’d be by my side fighting this fight and kicking this cancer’s ass all the way. I can only hope that one day my own kids will stand next to me as I fight every step of the way like I did with my own dad. Until that day I’m just looking forward to being at my sons football game cheering him on. Go Chiefs!!!

My advice is love those with all of your heart. Forgive and never wish any harm to anyone. Help others. Be kind and be grateful. Never take anything for granted. There’s always a blessing to be thankful for. We all make mistakes. Remember that. None of us are perfect. We are human and we are all sinners. Except for my ex husband, of course. He’s perfect (just kidding lol). Never spend a lifetime trying to please others. You’re only spinning your wheels. Be happy with who you are. After all, the greatest gift of all is that God created you to be you. And when a person wishes bad things to come your way forgive that person. Like they say in AA, “god, save me from being angry. This is a sick person. How can I be of help to him?” I know I’ll be praying this every day!!

I won’t be writing anymore. I’m going to take a break and wait for the final chapter. Besides maybe writing isn’t my calling anyway. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that when I write again the final chapter will be a chapter filled with much joy and lots of happiness.

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