Relationship Tips 5-5-19

If you find yourself resonating with any of the following tips, do yourself a favor….run!!!

Your guy lies to you and then tries to minimize it by saying “it wasn’t actually a lie. More like a white lie. “I told a white lie to protect our relationship.” There’s four words for this. He’s full of shit!

Your guy cheats on you. When you find out he somehow finds a way to blame you for his infidelity causing you to stay and worse feel guilty for his transgression.

Your guy calls you names including bitch, psycho, the “C” word. In short, any derogatory word or insult. He brings you down and causes you to feel so insecure and worthless.

He yells at you, throws iPads across the room, becomes extremely volatile and hostile for no reason then demands space. Even telling you you’re not allowed to call for 24 hours because he needs “space”. He needs space because he’s cheating.

Sends pictures of his private parts to other women. You find the messages then he denies it even though you show him the proof.

He Blames and shames you. He is never accountable for his actions.

You find hidden comments on his Facebook page from other women

Manipulates you to the point you question your sanity.

He tells you he needs a woman with money. He’s broke and struggles to pay the rent. Therefore he needs a woman with money so they can pull their resources together. This one is my favorite. He’s a user and a loser!!

He tells you he needs to “drift” to connect with his spirit guide. The Wolf. He claims to be spiritual yet his spirituality leaves you scratching your head.

The universe brought you together. You are soul mates destined to be with each other. Which is why he begins demanding marriage only one month after connecting with you on Facebook and by phone yet you’ve never met each other.

He proposes to you on his knees with a mood ring he bought at a convenience store two days after you find out he’s cheating then becomes angry when you say no.

He sends you this message after leading you to believe the universe brought you together as soul mates to spend your life together.

“Yes we were destined to be together but not necessarily as a couple we were destined to be together because there was work to be done and my work was to show you the way and then you know we got involved and the universe pulled me away (he was cheating) in another direction to help someone else and it’s gonna pull me again. It is what has happened my entire life. I’ve sat in the darkness in my cave at my house for a year and I can’t do that anymore I have to be able to get out and do his work and you know you can’t handle the fact that I am going to be called to other people both men and female and that is the issue and that is what I’m being told now and so that is why everything happened”

When he tells you this…bolt! He’s completely full of crap!!

He tells you he spent the weekend crying in bed after you tell him you need to respect yourself and walk away. Then you see a post from another woman referring to him As a “Wild” man. You confront him and learn he was at a channeling/chanting ritual playing a drum to release all the pain. He apparently became wild. Again…run. It’s shear bologna.

You get this message after confronting him asking “are you seeing someone?”

“Oh my God when do I have time to get into another relationship I’m talking about the work that I’m here to do. The channeling the healing whatever it is it varies it depends all the time. You really never took the time to understand my powers you have only criticized me for having them and doubted them and laughed at them. I channel shit to you all the time and ANN (I didn’t know about Ann. Surprise) come in for me it’s coming from above. But of course you don’t believe that so I don’t know what’s coming, all I know is it’s time for me to get back on my path and be and do what I was put on this planet to do so I don’t have to relive this again. (He believes he’s led many lives. I think he’s a cat) This has been one of the hardest lives I could ever imagine anyone him to leave the things that have gone through the people that have lost the things that of happened to me personally and it’s time for me to step up and do what I’m supposed to do I’m sorry I even mentioned it you can’t handle what what the truth is you can’t handle the truth”

Yup after reading a message like this please know you’re not crazy. He is.

He minimizes all of his actions and always finds a way to blame you and of course his loneliness.

He accuses you of abandoning him.

His only request is you make him your number one priority. Him first, god second and then family.

He believes he was brought to you by the universe to heal you. Yet you relapse after 16 1/2 years and find yourself in crisis counseling. If that’s healing RUN!!!

He’s a powerful spirit, channeler and healer. A professed empath. He knows what you’re thinking, what you’re going to say and can feel you seconds before you call. So he says. Of course what he channels isn’t remotely close to what you’re thinking or were about to say. Here’s an example of a message I received.

“I just deliver the message I’m simply a channeler not a healer The Individual has to determine what to do with the message. Its that simple. I’m not God and only God can heal but we can heal ourselves through prayer and meditation”

My guy insisted the spirits told him we were destined to be together then when he found a new victim the story changed. I challenged him saying “obviously either your spirit guides lied or you did after he sent me the following message. If this isn’t a red flag I don’t know what is.

“Yes I believed that but in what context clearly it was not as a couple. Sadly that is the current truth” this message after I called him out for leading me to believe the universe brought us together. It was our destiny. The truth is he was cheating.

He needs passion and touch. If you don’t give it to him he will find someone to give it to him. Be prepared to be blamed for his infidelity.

He yells profanity at all drivers when driving in his car. One might refer to his behavior as Road Rage.

He is depressed one day, lonely the next and it’s all your fault.

He gets scammed on the internet. Yup…you guessed it. It’s your fault!

He never lets you talk. He dominates the phone call, arguments, conversation. He never listens and when he’s done he hangs up on you or walks away leaving you hanging because you never had the chance to get in a word in edgewise.

He ignores you and makes you feel less than.

If you call him he becomes irritable because your call is inconvenient.

If you ask about his day he takes offense and becomes defensive. You’re “bird dogging” him.

He really believes he’s god. He will claim god is working through him. He might say the Holy Spirit.

He tells you he has no respect for you then says you misunderstood. What part of “I have no respect for you” did I not understand?! Listen if he can’t respect you then you must have the courage to respect yourself and give this guy the boot!!

He says things that are so hurtful then accuses you of taking his words the wrong way. He simply said those things out of anger. It’s your fault for making him angry.

My favorite. I never said that. You’re psycho. You prove it and he still denies it.

He does or says one thing then denies it. This behavior causes you to question your sanity.

If you find yourself feeling nuts. Dreading answering the phone for fear of who will be on the other end. Doctor Love or Doctor Jekyl you’re in a relationship with one messed up guy who you’ve allowed to mess you up!!

He tells you you are possessed by the evil spirit living in your basement. Which includes an open portal where the evil Spirits come and go to possess you. Do not question him. He’s a very powerful force who is simply channeling the message from the spirits. His remedy is quite often move out of your home. Leave everything behind. Marry him and live with him. He will take really good care of you. Hmm I’ll bet! If you haven’t lost your mind you will certainly end up like a character in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.”

These are just a few red flags based on my experience. I’m sharing because I have found myself insane to the point I lost my dignity, self respect and ability to have a clear mind. There’s a term for men like this. Gas-lighters. If you find yourself resonating with any of these red flags….run and don’t look back. If you have other red flags and you would like to add please share them on the comment line. It’s important to share our stories with others. There are so many victims out there going through the same. It’s up to us and when I say us, I mean both men and women. Yes men find themselves as victims too!!

I received a lengthy email not long ago from a reader. She wrote a very lovely letter. What stood out to me was the following quote.

“You teach people how to treat you – by putting up with it you are teaching this man that it’s okay to do this to you – it’s not! Ask yourself, what would you tell a close friend going through the same trauma?”

These words really hit home. I’m guilty of allowing myself to be treated badly. No more!! No one has the right to treat us like crap. Each and everyone of us deserves better. I’m attaching the reply from a woman after I voiced my pain and concerns over the relationship I found myself in. I hope it resonates and hits home with anyone suffering like it did for me. With that said, I’m not a therapist. I’m simply a blogger sharing my personal experience.

Response from one of my readers below after one of my Facebook posts in a private group.

“I’m reading this and feel so sad, but I also feel resolved for you. You have voiced your fear now it’s time to let it go and gather courage and get the heck out of there. I have had to do this myself, so I know.

Go no contact. Block all methods of contact. Change your addresses, phone numbers, whatever you need to do. Find strength and courage in taking care of yourself first. Move if you have to. Get out of the way and stay out of the way. Surround yourself with people you know you can trust and if for now that’s only your therapist lean on her/him. Call on your need for self-preservation and just do it. To overcome fear we must rely on our strength, and no matter what he has said to you about you it is not you. It is him. Ignore him and move on.

My grandmother has a similar story I’m writing a novel around. It’s about her escape from a toxic 27 year marriage (in the 60s) and is a story of female empowerment following years of domestic oppression. Her courage blows me away, but it was her desperation to get away that drove her. If she can do it, so can you.

Holding space for you. ❤️

You teach people how to treat you – by putting up with it you are teaching this man that it’s okay to do this to you – it’s not! Ask yourself, what would you tell a close friend going through the same trauma?

You are not to blame for his actions. All of the blame here lies squarely on his shoulders. You are not to blame for being scared. He is to blame for placing you in a situation where you are scared. You are not nuts. I have been in an abusive relationship in my past. I did not deserve to be abused. You do not deserve to be treated the way he treats you. You are innocent. You are guilty of nothing. He is to blame for intimidating you, for deliberately treating you in such a way that you feel badly about yourself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are a good person. That is so obvious to me. You’re scared, and rightly so. I’m pretty sure I would be. I feel that being treated badly in the way that you are being treated, especially over a long period of time, would erode your self confidence and interfere with your ability to act. I think it would mine. It took great courage for you to reach out to us in the way that you have. I for one, am so glad that you did. I know that I am not alone in this. Again and again I see people here coming from that caring place as they share and encourage each other. And please, please, get the counseling you need. You will get through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel.”

You Love A Guy Who….4-17-19

How many of you women have found yourself in toxic relationships with a man who continuously treats you like garbage. He causes so much havoc in your life that you think you’re going insane?

I’ve found myself in these types of relationships a time or two. My guy was guilty of gaslighting me to the point I lost my sense of self respect as well as integrity. I could no longer make decisions. My head was always racing with crazy thoughts. Even thoughts of suicide.

A dear friend once sent this to me and as I read the message I found myself embarrassed. Even though the words were hurtful, especially coming from my best friend who is a male. Sadly I knew everything he said was true. I found myself reading the message this morning. I wanted to remind myself that I had to always value myself more than I value a relationship with any toxic person.

I’m sharing these questions my friend asked me to ponder while going through my own drama because I know there are many women out there who are in abusive, toxic relationships with a narcissist person whose only value is in gaslighting you and making you crazy. You’re not crazy. As you read this maybe you will relate to some but not all of the questions. If you do, I pray you find the strength to get out before it’s too late. Take pride in the woman you are. I need to always do the same. I often remember the words my dad used to say to me “Velma….men are like greyhound busses. There’s always another one at the next stop going to the same place for the same fare”. In other words, there is always someone better out there. Don’t waste your time with anyone who disrespects you, cheats on you, calls you names or makes you feel crazy when he lies to you claiming he’s simply telling a white lie or blames you for his indiscretions and saying you’re crazy. You’re not crazy!! It’s not your fault!! They are the problem. Not you. Instead walk away and pray for the next victim that comes in contact with that person. Their story will be your story in no time flat. I don’t wish my story, my experience with anyone.

This is what my friend wrote:

You LOVE a guy who….

1. Cheats on you (in my case hours before my flight landed to go see him)

2 A guy who likes dildos in his ass. (Humiliating in itself)

3 A guy who is broke ass poor.

4. A guy who cheats on you with women who are basically whores (I’m not sure they were whores rather victims like me)

5. You find all this out when you find his tablet (yup. That’s how I found out. I knew something was amiss so I snooped)

6. He nickels and dimes you

7 He calls you names ALL the time (bitch, _unt, you’re crazy, possessed just to name a few)

8. He lives 5 states over (we lived in different states)

9. You don’t see him on a regular basis (always fighting. One minute he wanted me and the next he ignored me and wouldn’t take my calls. He needed to meditate and drift)

10. He Gaslights you. (Example he called me a freak. When I confronted him saying not to call me that ever again he accused me of hearing things. Omg. He made me crazy!)

11. Lies about everything. His excuse is he’s not lying. He just tells a bunch of “white lies to protect our relationship! Bullshit! He is a liar!

12. Doesn’t value you nor does he respect you.

13 If he really wanted you he would fly to you for a day or two (I had to fly to see him and pay not only to get there but everything while being there)

14 He laughs at you behind your back. You’re crazy and obsessed! Remember?!!

15 No game plan or commitment. The only commitment is the one he wants from you.

Why do you want to be with such a total loser?!!

You decide! Read this again until you understand what he is! A loser! Your a loser as much as he is if you continue to stay with him.

I still find myself mortified when I read this. What on gods green earth was I thinking?! The truth is, I wasn’t. My life had become insane.

It’s hard to take that first step and walk away. Harder to heal from the craziness. However, time heals everything and before you know it you will head to the “bus stop” and find a better guy going your way.

If you need someone to talk to please email or call me. I’ve been there. I get it. I will listen and be your support as you make the decision to take your power back and dump that loser who has overtaken your life.

Velmadunkin@gmail.com

509-750-7451

Chiquitita 1-7-19

Growing up my dad was a huge fan of the group ABBA. I grew up listening to all of their songs. I’m 53 years old and I still love ABBA. One of my dads favorite songs was Chiquitita. He used to play that song over and over and could sing every lyric. I think of my dad every time I hear that song.

When he passed away, my mother and I cleaned out his pickup. He had several bottles of Stetson cologne and many pictures of me. He even had copies of the ads I created while I was a Marketing Consultant. I remember asking my mom why my dad had so many pictures of me and why did he have so many of my ads. She said “because your dad always thought you were so beautiful and he was so proud of you”. I still get teary eyed thinking about that day when my mother and I cleaned out my dads pickup. In his pickup was also an ABBA cd. My dad had their greatest hits. It was no surprise that he would have that in his pickup. He was ABBAs biggest fan.

My dad and I were very close. In fact, he was not only my dad, but he was my best friend too. He was the rock in my life that was always there for me in the good times and the bad times. When life threw me a curveball, I knew I could always count on my dad to be by my side offering and encouraging the strength I needed to keep moving forward. There was never a challenge too big that I couldn’t overcome. I always knew I had my sidekick who would be by my side every step of the way. I’ll be honest, I’ve been lost without my dad since he passed away. My dad took a piece of not only my heart, but my entire being when he left. I’ve been floundering ever since. I’ve made some horrible choices, I’ve been depressed and any challenge has been just too big for me to handle without my dad by my side. I have found it hard to adjust to life without my side kick. Sadly, I still have a picture of me and my dad on my night stand. I wake up to it every morning.

This past November, depression, anxiety and PTSD finally took its toll. I’ve carried a heavy load for a really long time. Not to mention, I’ve had one trial after another. I’ve tried so hard to keep my head above water but not having my dad by my side to conquer everything has proved to be difficult. I’ve prayed, I’ve sought the help from life coaches, I’ve seen spiritual healers…you name it. I’ve tried it. I finally accepted the advice of my doctors and began taking anti-depressants. I’ll admit, my doctors have encouraged me to take them for the past seven years but I’ve refused. I really believed I would come out of this depression and everything would be ok. I was wrong. Every now and then it doesn’t hurt to get a little help. Even when that help includes an anti depressant and in my case, counseling too. I am not allowing myself to feel like a failure because I had to get a little help. I remind myself this is short term until I get my emotional self back on track. The result is I am feeling better every day. I’m even laughing again. However, I’ll be honest that void of my dad is still missing. I still miss him.

Since my dad passed away I’ve only dreamed of him once. That is, until a couple of weeks ago. I woke up sweating. I had been dreaming about my dad. In my dream, he was so disappointed in me. He was disappointed in a number of things. That disappointment was heart wrenching. When I woke up I knew I had to get my shit together. I had to pick myself up and start living life again.

Yesterday, I was having a hard day. I’ve been dealing with an issue that has weighed heavy on my life as well as emotional health. I’ve been angry at myself for not having the courage to walk away from that situation that has clearly become toxic in my life. I went on my walk and just felt beaten and defeated. I prayed the entire three and a half miles. I found myself praying for clarity, wisdom and strength. I found myself feeling hopeless and gutless. I found myself wishing my dad was here to be by my side offering the courage I need to walk away. Better yet, I found myself wishing my dad was here to just deal with the issue for me. That afternoon I got in my car. I started it and when I did, Chiquitita was on the radio. I immediately thought of my dad. I remembered how much he loved this song. As I listened to the lyrics, it became clear my dad was speaking to me through this song. The lyrics really touched my heart and led me to believe it was my dad reminding me that he was still with me. He was also reminding me of who I am as well as the strength I have to finally let go of the issue and begin to move forward. I couldn’t help but cry my eyes out while driving in my car.

I don’t feel the need to share my challenge tonight. I will share on a later post when I can share I finally got through it. However, I feel the need to share this song as well as the lyrics tonight for anyone going through a tough time. Like the song, I’d like to remind you like the song reminded me, that while you may feel there’s no hope for tomorrow, the sun is still in the sky shining above you. It’s shining above me too. If we sing a new song and try once more, together we will be dancing once again. I can get through anything and believe me when I say, so can you.

Here are the lyrics:

“Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong
You’re enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I’m a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, I’m the one you must rely on
You were always sure of yourself
Now I see you’ve broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving
You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

So the walls came tumbling down
And your love’s a blown out candle
All is gone and it seems too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
There is no way you can deny it
I see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving
You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Highs and Lows 11-12-18

I’ve put $3 worth of gas in my tank before and I’ve put $40 in my tank. I’ve had $5 to feed myself and I’ve had $500 to go out to eat. I’ve asked for rides and given rides. I’ve had a house full of food and I’ve been without food. I’ve given people clothes. I’ve been given clothes. I’ve been in stores cashing out with no worries and I’ve also had to add it up and put it back. I’ve paid my rent in full and I’ve had to pay it late too. I’ve given money and I too have had to ask for it. We all have highs and lows in life, some certainly more than others, but we’re all just trying to make it. No one is better than anyone else, and I pity those who think that they are. No matter how big your house is, how new your car is, or how much money sits in your bank account – we all bleed red and will all die someday. Death has no discrimination neither should your life. Be kind to others. And know not everyone has the same heart as you… The people who pretend they love you so much will leave you standing in all the storms just so they can shine…

I Challenge you to copy & paste this! Most people won’t because they’re the person I’m talking about…. But if you are Genuine, Post A Picture of yourself.

Enjoy life! You only get one. ❤️

Kintsugi 11-8-18

Kintsugi – in Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the objects history, which adds to its beauty. Consider this when you’re feeling broken.

I am sharing this because it’s a wonderful concept to ponder on the days I feel like giving up. I love the thought that despite being broken in many pieces, I can still be put back together and the scars or broken pieces will forever shine as beautifully as the gold the Japanese use to repair an object.

Life Is A Struggle Sometimes 9-9-18

I’m on my walk this morning. I love taking walks especially outdoors. I love the freedom and the peace that only nature can provide. I pray while I walk. I talk to god, I even yell at him while having a complete bitch fit. I’ve been known to call god the “F” word during my rants among other profanity. I’m not going to pretend I’m a saint by any means.

Being outside alone on my walk is about the only time I can think or vent when I have to. I have no idea if God can hear me. At times I wonder if he even exists but nevertheless, after I’ve made a complete spectacle of myself alone in the wilderness I put my headset on and listen to music. Today’s playlist includes “Little Guitars” by Van Halen. This señorita loves this song! Lol.

These past couple of months have been so draining. I have been so depressed. In July I found out the man I’ve been dating was cheating on me. That was a real blow. Somehow I didn’t see that coming. I battle PTSD and anxiety. This blow only intensified those battles. In addition, I’ve found myself feeling overwhelmed with family obligations. One being my mother. That woman drives me insane. She demands so much of me. I’m a people pleaser so I spend my days pleasing everyone, including my mother while failing to please myself.

I’m struggling with insecurities about where I am in life. Last week I drove to Spokane to file bankruptcy. I have to admit, succumbing to accepting I could not dig myself out of the financial hole I’ve found myself in thanks to being sick was another blow. I feel like an absolute failure. I’m better than this or so I keep telling myself. I just can’t seem to find my purpose anymore. Ironically, I drove to my appointment with a ziploc bag full of change to give to any homeless person that might tug on my heart strings. I actually thought to myself “really Velma?! You’re filing bankruptcy but you’re giving away change?! What’s wrong with you?!! ” To add fuel to the Fire September 14th is the anniversary date of the day my life changed forever. It’s the day my dad passed away. I’ve been on an uncontrollable spiral of destruction ever since. I hate September. More importantly, after seven years I’m still heartbroken. I’d give anything to have one more day with my dad. One more phone call. One more joke. He always made me laugh. Losing a parent really sucks!! This is one of the last fun memories I had with my dad, uncle and cousin. We look like thugs but we were all together.

I thought I would share today not for any reason other than it’s my way of saying I get it. I know life can be a struggle sometimes. Some of you might be in the thick of a challenge right now. I post positive affirmations every day on Facebook, Instagram and even on my blog but I want you to know that I struggle every day too. My challenges may not be your challenges but they are challenges nonetheless. I’m sure some days you wonder if god exists. I do too. Everyone does. We are all human. All I know is we can’t give up. None of us can. We have to keep fighting and keep moving forward. Eventually good days come and we look back and realize how far we’ve come. Trust me. I speak the truth because I’ve been there. Have a great day!! 🌹