Being A Silver Girl 9-26-18

This past May I posted this song on my blog. Not for any reason other than I think the song is beautiful. I love the lyrics. As I listened to the lyrics this morning while I was at the gym, I began to ponder the lyrics. Like many women, Silver Girl is a woman caught up in a high tech world. While some of us can not relate to the high tech world, I think as women we can all relate to the fact that we are all caught up in an “all man’s world”.

Like Silver Girl, some of us have the Midas Touch. Some of us are Lady Luck. Some of us are Golden Girls. Some of us are girlie girls. Some of us have a million bucks and some of us look like we have a million bucks. At times, many of us are actresses putting on a performance as we face challenges every day. I can certainly relate to being an actress. Often times people think they know everything about me but they don’t. I don’t think anyone truly knows what’s in my soul. They don’t know my fears, my insecurities, my pain or even my joy. All I know, I’m just me. Right or indifferent….I am who I am. I’m just me.

As women we are all different but one thing for sure, like Silver Girl, often times we look back at the hard times and recognize how far we’ve come. It’s mind blowing. Personally as I look back at all the trials and challenges I’ve faced it is very mind blowing for me. I don’t always want to remember but I do. One thing I know, despite everything I’ve been through, I’m still here. I’m still standing. I have some regrets but I keep getting up.

Like Silver Girl, I feel alone sometimes. I am confident I’m not the only woman in the world to feel lonely. I’m insane beyond my years from all my experiences and like Silver Girl despite it all, I will forever be an adventurer. I’m sure many women reading today can relate.

I’d like to imagine myself dressed in all silver. Successful, strong and wealthy. I don’t know Silver Girl but somehow I feel like her when I listen to this song.

Today I dedicate this song to all the Silver Girls out there. We stand strong. We stand together and we stand in all Silver as Silver Girls. Women with a force to be reckoned with. Women in an all mans world surviving and winning every day.

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Silver Girl 5-27-18

A Beautiful song by Fleetwood Mac. I’m posting the song as well as the lyrics tonight. I love Stevie Nicks. No rhyme or reason for sharing other than this song is so beautiful. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

She was a silver girl

Lost in a high tech world

She was a golden girl

Immersed in a hard core world

She would have preferred

The last generation

But that’s all right

She’s on her way

She had the Midas touch

She was Lady Luck

She’s got a million bucks

And she looks like it

She’s had a few hard times

Sometimes it blows her mind

Those papers she never signed

Sometimes she remembers

Sometimes she was just an actress

But you’ll never really know

A shadow moves across her face

You cannot see her soul

Unless she lets you

See her soul

She was a girlie girl

Caught in a man’s world

And as her world turns

She feels so alone

Still she’s a danger girl

Insane far beyond her years

On some things she’s very clear

She’s a wild adventurer

Sometimes she was just an actress

But you’ll never really know

A shadow moves across her face

You cannot see her soul

Sometimes she was just an actress

But you’ll never really know

A shadow moves across her face

You cannot see her soul

You cannot see her soul

You cannot see her soul

You cannot see her soul unless she lets you

See her soul,

See her soul, if she lets you

See her soul

Sometimes, she’s an actress

You’ll never really know

Shadows move across her face

You cannot see her soul

You cannot see her soul

Sobriety Anniversary 3-4-18

Today is my sobriety anniversary. It’s hard to believe it’s been 16 years since finding myself in the back of a police car on my way to jail after a weekend drinking spree. Ironically that infamous day was on a Sunday in 2002. My dad picked me up that day from jail. I’ll never forget that feeling of complete humiliation. It wasn’t until after my dad passed away in 2011 that my mother shared how my dad had been by my side for three days after as I experienced the withdrawals from alcohol. It’s crazy, but the one thing I still remember is my dad feeding me soup. Four days later I was in rehab where I spent the next 28 days in recovery. My life has never been the same.

Every year I usually re-live my story however this year I would like to do something different. Today I’d like to find the gratitude in the strength god has given me to remain sober. My life changed forever that day. My life hasn’t always been easy since then but the good news is I haven’t faced my challenges drunk. It’s been 16 years and I no longer want to re-live the past. That time in my life is over. Today I’ll just wish myself a happy anniversary and continue moving forward.

Sobriety is hard work but it’s possible. My song today is Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac. I chose this song because my dad was a huge fan of Stevie Nicks. He had the opportunity to meet her many years ago. It was the highlight of his life. Silver Springs is a beautiful song that depicts a love of what could’ve been. Here’s to me and to my dad and to the love that could’ve been if he was still here on this very special anniversary day.

Sleeping Angel 1-19-15

I’m not sure where to begin as I write tonight. Today my friend Lola reached out to me from New Jersey. She called and offered me so many words of encouragement and more importantly she encouraged me to use my gift of writing in a positive way. Lola is a woman of God. She is filled with so much love and is a powerful prayer warrior. I’m so grateful to call her my friend. Lola prayed for me and encouraged me to put all my faith in the Lord, trust him and pray, pray, pray. After we hung up I found myself feeling hopeful. I have to admit, the challenges of cancer and my life in general has really brought me to my knees. More often than not, I feel defeated and hopeless.

This afternoon Ron and I had an argument. It was ugly and I felt sick about it. I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I got in my car and drove to St Dominic’s Church. Somehow going to church felt like the right thing to do. St Dominic’s is so beautiful it takes my breath away every time I walk through the door. I always feel a sense of awe when I’m there. At times, I’m in such awe, my eyes begin to fill with tears. It’s such an emotional experience. I lit a candle when I arrived. I got on my knees and prayed. As I talked to God, I found a sense of peace come over me and for the first time I felt as if the Lord had actually heard me. After I prayed, I sat on the pew and just stared at the altar. Finally, I stood up and left.

As I drove home, I found myself feeling peaceful. I wasn’t worried about going home and being greeted by the wrath of Rons volatile behavior. I trusted everything would calm itself and things would work out eventually. I prayed asking God for a small sign that he had heard me, even though I knew in my heart he had. When I got home, Ron was still angry. I opted to stay in peace and trust the Lord would take care of everything. Ron was still behaving irrationally, so rather than allow him to make me feel bad about myself like I usually do, I got my sweats on and went to the gym.

I love to listen to music when I’m at the gym. I have a very extensive playlist on YouTube. Tonight I pulled up my playlist titled “Cancer Bravery”. This list consists of songs that have somehow offered a sense of courage as I’ve fought cancer these past few months. As I went through my list of songs, I noticed a song by Stevie Nicks. I didn’t recognize it and truthfully, I don’t recall ever hearing the song, much less recall how it even made it on my list. I clicked on it and as I listened to the lyrics, the words began to resonate with my own personal struggle to trust in a power higher than myself to work things out for me.

I believe in God, as I refer to him. I believe he exists. Trusting him is another story. I think I’m not alone. I believe many of us are believers, however trusting in something we can’t feel, hear or touch can prove to be a difficult task. As I listened to the lyrics of this song, I knew in my heart God had heard me tonight. The lyrics describe my thoughts and feelings that have prevented me from letting go and trusting things would work out according to Gods plan, on his time and not my own. I’m continually on this roller coaster of “trying to believe you. I’m learning all the time”. Like the song, I know I need God in my life because without him I wouldn’t be able to breathe. However, I have this “love affair” with the him that’s as dysfunctional as my current and past relationships with all the men in my life. At times my relationship is up, while other times are down. I want to believe that God loves me. I want to believe he has a plan for good, but it’s hard.

Earlier this morning, my friend suggested I write a letter to God expressing how I feel. I couldn’t express my feelings better than the lyrics from this song so here it is….my letter to God.

Dear God (as I call him)

Take me if you need me, but never hold me down. You’re asking me to trust you, well there’s little of that around. I’m trying to believe you. And I’m learning all the time. Two-part personality, the flower and the vine.

Take me, sleeping angel. Catch me, when you can. Real love affairs are heavy spells, for a woman and a man.

I need you because you let me breathe, well you’ve taken me away. But never take me lightly, or I can never stay.

Someday, when we’re older and my hair is silver grey. Unbraid with all of the love that you have, like a soft silver chain.

Take me sleeping angel, catch me when you can. And unbraid with all of the love that you have, like a soft silver chain.

I’m a work in progress, Lord God, but I pray that you won’t give up on me yet. I’m a work in progress but I’m ready and willing to give you my best shot. Thank you God for believing in me and thank you for never giving up on me even on the days, I’ve given up on you.

Love always,

Velma