Love More, Hurt Less 3-9-18

How To Love More and Hurt Less From Relationship Failures by Crystal Aryana

“Love is never a failure unless you miss the lesson.” – Anonymous

There’s one thing that almost everyone does that guarantees your relationship will not succeed in the long term, but it’s so common that it’s hard to recognize you even do it.

This simple little thing that people do pretty much destroys your ability to truly connect – and even truly love.

It turns love into a commodity that you barter for, rather than the infinite connection that it really is!

It’s the idea and practice of “transactional love” and it’s the #1 reason why most relationships fail (and how you can “fail yourself” onto the path of learning what real, conscious love is by contrast.)

In other words, I believe, love can be divided into two major kinds: transactional love and conscious love. Much of the suffering we experience comes from our failure to tell the two apart.

What Is Transactional Love?  

It’s the kinda “don’t rock the boat and everyone feels good” kind of love or the “I let you stay stuck in your dysfunctional patterns, if you let me stay stuck in mine” kinda game.

It’s a sneaky kind of co dependence that creeps up on you in your relationship that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and unsupported without knowing why.

Transactional love is the kind of codependent love that must be “earned.”

Transactional love is based on bargains, reciprocates, and keeping tabs on who does what for who (and even going as far as listing it for them). What’s crazy is practically everything we call “love” in today’s modern world basically falls under this category – an exchange.

The problem is that we are using love as a manipulation tool, instead of just existing in love itself – first and foremost with ourselves and then with our loved ones.

Sometimes we fail to recognize when we are “being in attachment” and we go about living our lives thinking it’s actually the “right way” to love someone.

Here’s a good example:

I have a friend who’s parents would only show him love when he did well in school, or performed well at the sporting event.  If his performance wasn’t “up to par” then his parents would treat him more like an outsider.

The poor guy grew up his entire life thinking he needs to earn love by doing a good job, because not doing a good job equated to he wasn’t worthy of love.

This creates a serious emotional attachment to the outcome of “doing a good job” which means “I am only loved when I do well” that it can create an entire buffet of codependent and addictive behaviors, just for him to feel like someone cares.  A perfect cocktail for relationship failure.

We tend to get attached to people because of how they move or inspire us to feel. We believe that we’re in love with a particular person when in fact we’re attached to them. If you’re not in love with WHO his human is – outside of any benefit or meaning to you  – then you simply love the way they make you feel.

This means what you really need is for someone to fill a void in your life or boost your self esteem.  This is why you might even feel sick when this person leaves you because you tend to feel lonely without them around. When in truth, it’s not THEM that you miss, you just miss what they can do for you.

This is why we call this kind of codependent love “transactional” and why it’s so easy to get attached this way.

The hard part is that humans LOVE TO BE attached.  We get attached very quickly and easily.  We get attached to objects, events, and people. We get attached to our personal belongings, a special place, routines, environment, atmosphere, almost everything.

When you love through attachment you become self-centered. You tend to feed your needs with these particular things. And people are not an exception.

Because here’s the bottom line:  Love is not a transaction.  You do not barter love.  You don’t trade for love.

In a lot of ways, attachment is the opposite of love, even though we’ve all been trained to think otherwise. Attachment masquerades as love.

It says, “I will love this person because I need them.” Or, “I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you love me the way I want.”

This isn’t love at all – it is attachment! And unhealthy attachment is rigid and controlling.  It is very different from love. When there is attachment, there is clinging and fear.

So What Is Conscious Love? 

The question we must ask our self is what is the type of relationship that we want to have? Do we want to have a transactional relationship, or a truly loving relationship.

Concious love starts with yourself, you don’t dissolve in another person. You are an independent unit and you have your own life plan and goals, regardless your partner. Then your relationship will empower and amplify your life.

When you are attached, you wait for this person to fulfill your happiness, you bind yourself to him. This is a debilitating condition, when you place your well-being into someone else’s hands. Without the partner, you are lonely, discontented, broken, and incomplete.

If you find yourself in a clingy attachment, it may be necessary to take a break for growth, revelation, and enlightenment. When you are loving yourself and others consciously, a break away from your lover won’t break you.

Conscious love and connection is where one feeds the self from within love and thus shares this state of being and doing with others, meeting each other in the middle and not needing to “take” from each other – yet feed ourselves from within.

Conscious love is what it takes to dissolve harmful emotional attachments and codependency (which can lead to self sabotaging or abusive situations in relationships if left unchecked without healthy boundaries and communication in place).

This being “all in” kind of love is doing a “whatever it takes to get it done” kind of devotion. It is a shared, grounded understanding of each other that is authentic, transparent, congruent, and accepting. Conscious love knows itself with a capacity for emotional intelligence and self awareness.

Real conscious love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aims to possess.

If we examine our attachment with compassion, we can see how it is constricted and conditional; it offers love only to certain people in certain ways—it is exclusive.

This is the definition of TRUE love.  It doesn’t measure.  It doesn’t compare.  It just exists to be embraced, embellished and enjoyed.

And you don’t need to earn a thing 🙂

So now let me ask …

What Kind Of Love Do YOU Have?  

One type of love is transactional, co dependent, based in attachment, and displaces true feelings for neediness and addictive behaviors.

The other is independent of outcome, based in infinity, feeds itself just by existing, and leads to honest, empathetic connection between two people.

Conscious love doesn’t measure, doesn’t compare.  Love just is, and loves.  From this paradigm love is not transactional, it is essential, because we ARE LOVE without needing to “earn it” outside of ourselves.

When you take a step back and look at the type of love you are giving and receiving, and see it in this way, it puts a lot of things into perspective.

That’s what I love so much about your Love Power Reading.  It goes deep into what kind of love life you’re meant to live, how you go about living it, and when you’re destined to find what you’re looking for.


Let Your Light Shine 3-2-18

I know he hurt you. I know she broke your heart. I know how disappointed you are. It’s so unfair – you never should have had to experience such a thing. You deserve better. It never should have happened. I’m so sorry for what you endured.

Now you have a choice.

You can let it shut down your heart. You can let it dim your light. You can get angry. Get pissed. Get resentful. Get judgmental. Get righteous. Get victimized. Get off on how the world did you wrong.

Or you can forgive. Soften. Understand. Open. Let yourself shine.

Control Drama 11-11-17

Protect Yourself from Control Dramas – BY JODI JANATI

The following is an excerpt from the DailyOM 

What is a Control Drama? 

A control drama, as coined by James Redfield in his book, “The Celestine Prophecy,” is played by anyone who is feeling low on power or energy, to manipulate and steal the energy of another. Control dramas are unconscious strategies all people use to gain power or energy from another person and to essentially, “get their way with others.” We get our way with others by making them pay attention to us and then elicit a certain reaction from them to make ourselves feel fulfilled. The positive feelings we gain are won at the expense of the other person and this often causes imbalance and drama in our interpersonal relationships. 
Most of us have a dominant control drama in which we engage in automatically, without even realizing what we are doing and to what extent and expense. Your need to defend and engage in defensive responses with someone means you are caught in a control drama and you will thus, “react.” When you start to become aware of your dominant control drama and can recognize it in action, you can start to hone it and make better choices in your responses to others. Likewise, once you understand how others use control dramas to make you react, you can refrain from engaging in them and move on to more healthy resolution “responses.”
As you learn more about control dramas, you will realize you are already quite familiar with them and this is because you have been exposed to a variety of people throughout your life and have had to test each of them to successfully navigate intense interactions. Most people will resort to the same control drama when feeling tested and are completely unaware of it and how others experience them during these episodes. And with awareness, comes change. 
Awareness and recognition of a control drama allows you to break the cycle and choose to disconnect from it altogether. When a control drama isn’t controlling an interaction, you can “respond” more effectively and authentically to others. You will learn about four common control dramas people use to attract and defeat others. You will also discover there are many effective ways to approach others during difficult interactions. Knowing you have choices during difficult interactions with others, allows you to live a drama free life and helps you find your “conversation peace.” 

Ending Relationships 7-11-17

Today’s language of letting go meditation :Ending Relationships (author unknown)

It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship—with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship.

We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don’t want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.

Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.

As we walk this path of self-care, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.

We are not sparing the other person’s feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the pain and discomfort—for the other person and ourselves.

If we don’t know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.

If we know it is time to terminate a relationship, say that.

Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness, and lying about what we want and need to do.

Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time. If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.

Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my self-esteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.

Dating Sites…What Are They Good For?! 6-2-16

May 16th marked my one year anniversary that my ex and I went our separate ways. It’s no secret my relationship with him was nothing short of tumultuous. I’ve only blogged every detail for the world to read!!!  What was I thinking?!!! After four years with that lunatic and the strife he brought in to my life, I knew I needed to give myself some time to heal before engaging in another relationship. Relationships with the “Rons” of the world will do that to you!!   I haven’t been in any relationship since. And in truth, deep down I wasn’t ready. 

I left San Francisco on May 16th, 2015 with a u-haul in tote. I cried all the way home….and I mean the entire 14 hour drive while praying the rosary over and over again. I didn’t stop there. Oh no. I cried for months after that. In fact, I would lock myself in my bedroom and all I did was pray and cry. I slept with a night light. I still do.  The nightmares were overwhelming. I would even wear a scapula around my neck and sleep with a cross next to my pillow. Who does that?!!  Guilty!!! Me!!! Lol.  I have prayed profusely every single day. The good news is I had the support of my cousin and a dear friend, both in San Francisco who were very instrumental in pulling me out of a dark depression.  I also had the support of the ladies at my prayer group that I attend once a week and my girlfriend from Maui. I thank god for all of them. Prayer really does work!!! 

Breakups are hard. Especially relationships that cause so much pain and heartache. I saw a quote today on Facebook. It said “when people treat you like they don’t care….believe them”. I thought to myself “now you tell me!” I wish I had known. 

I’ve come along way since those dark days only a year ago. Or should I say, a week ago!! Just kidding.  The truth is healing from breakups takes a very long time. As for me, I’m on the mend. In fact a part of me is ready to give love another try. 

A couple of months ago my cousin and I met each other in Las Vegas for a few days. We travelled there to see Santana. It was their reunion concert. The original band members joined each other on the stage. They hadn’t played together in 40 years. What an awesome experience. It was undoubtedly one of the best shows I’ve been to, with the exception of seeing Van Morrison. What made it even more awesome was sharing the experience with my cousin who is my best friend and the sister I never had. I love her very much. In my eyes, she’s the most beautiful girl in the world!!! 

While we were there my cousin encouraged me to begin dating again. She suggested trying a dating site. Her suggestion…..Tinder. Now I have never been on a dating site nor have I ever been interested in being on one, but against my better judgement I joined the dating site. 

For those of you who have never been on a dating site, my suggestion is you should. If nothing else for a good laugh when you’re home alone on a Saturday night. Now I’m not experienced on dating sites since Tinder is the only site I’ve ever  been on but my experience has been nothing short of a comical experience I can’t quite put in to words. 

Tinder is great. You log on and you are greeted by photos of single guys. You can swipe right if you’re interested or you swipe left if your answer is NOPE!  There’s a few photos with a brief bio of your potential partner. Age and first name only along with the their approximate distance from your location. I’m happy to report all of my potential knights in shining armor have been swiped to the left. “Nope, Nope….and that’s a hell nope!!” My gosh, some of these guys are creepy, some are married and others are so dweeby I can’t stop laughing!!! I don’t mean to come across as caddy but my gosh! “Really god?! And this is what you bring me?!!!” 

I know what you’re thinking….”is he wearing lip gloss?!”

“He is my match?!” “Seriously?!” 

I have managed to meet a couple of nice guys and have met them for coffee but other than that nothing good has come from being on a dating site. Dating sites…..what are they good for? Nada…..damn thing!!! 

Who knows, maybe I’ve been too selective, after all my list of guys I won’t date is bigger than the list of guys I will date. Maybe I’ve been single too long and I’m becoming accustomed to being alone.  I don’t know the answer. What I do know is I haven’t given up on hope that there’s someone out there for me. After all, there are three billion men in the world!  Surely, one of those three billion has got to be my knight in shining armor!!! 

I’ve decided I’ll just wait for the right guy to come waltzing through my door, sweep me off my feet and take me far, far away from here. Let’s hope back to my beloved city by the bay, San Francisco and let’s hope he’s sweet, smells dynamite, is dressed to the nines and  is wearing great shoes! He will adore me, flaws and all and will love me in the good times and in the bad and together spend the rest of our lives making each other happy, traveling and living life to the fullest surrounded by family and together making a difference in the lives of others. Until then, whatever it’s worth, a knight in shining armor does exist. You can find him at Cafe Sevilla in California. 😀 he’s stone cold, he has a heart of steel, he’s a little short but you can talk his ear off all night long and he will never complain!!!  

The Stranger In My Bed 2-18-15

The past few days have been challenging. I find myself in a situation where I can no longer take the pain and suffering I feel deep in my heart. A feeling I’ve been experiencing for a really long time. Ironically this pain has been brought on by the very person I gave up my life for three years ago, leaving my family, friends and everything I knew because I believed I had finally met the man of my dreams. My heart was filled with love as well as hope for a new beginning.

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day for couples. A day where we express the love we have for one another. I’m a romantic at heart so naturally, I hold this day very close to my heart. For Valentine’s Day I walked to Union Square where I purchased a mushy card along with a box of See’s candy specifically picked out by me to ensure the box was perfect when I gave it to my significant other. I also purchased a pair of well needed pants for my special guy. I gave my gifts to my “Valentine” sealing the gifts with a big kiss. The response I received wasn’t exactly what I expected. My “Valentine” lashed out at me saying I only bought him this gift so he would be indebted to me. He called me names, gave me the silent treatment and in short hurt my feelings. He ignored me for 24 hours and has continued to vilify me since. I should also mention that he gave me nothing for Valentines Day. Nothing! Not even a card or at the very least, a thank you. Since that day, things have gone from bad to worse. I’ve been punished ever day. Name calling, silent treatment and yesterday my loving “Valentine” left and never returned for over three hours. I have no idea where he went. My phone calls went unanswered. When I asked him where he was he blew up and was kind enough to say “Get the fuck out!” He knows I’m in the middle of treatment, I have nowhere to go and leaving at this time just isn’t an option. I’m trapped and I’m broke to boot!

I met Ron three years ago. He was quite a bit older than myself. I was 46 and he was 65. The man I met is nowhere near the person he became after I moved to San Francisco to live with him. The man I met was kind, affectionate, loving and pampered me in a way I had never been treated by any man. He opened my car door, he held my hand, he showered me with gifts and trips. I recall the first Valentines Day after we met I was surprised to receive two flower deliveries that consisted of two dozen roses. He called me beautiful all the time, he laughed at all of my jokes and he was a lot of fun. That all changed three months after I moved in with him.

Prior to moving here there were many red flags that as I look back I wish I had not overlooked by allowing the sweetness of this man to take precedence over the warning signs that were gleaming like a bright light. It began with a former girlfriend who continually called and texted at all hours of the night once I moved here. She was an ex girlfriend who also happened to be a 27 year old Latin Stripper who works at the Hustler Club. From what I understand, she had been “using” him for his money. Ron supplied her with $2000 per month along with many other perks but he insisted their relationship was over. However, I found it hard to believe since wherever we were, whether on Vacation, dinner or a movie, this woman was continually reaching out to Ron with messages of love or asking for money. In addition, her mother lived and still lives at one of his apartments. One day I found a dirty pair of underwear in his bag after he returned from his apartment building. I confronted him about it but he had an excuse that somehow turned things around to be my fault. After returning from a visit to Washington I found women’s underwear in our room that didn’t belong to me. When I questioned Ron he insisted they were mine and that I was “suspicious”. This went on and on and continues to this day. Every time I would confront Ron he somehow managed to twist things around making it all my fault and for many days after I would receive the silent treatment along with some name calling in between. I began to second guess myself and the result is I’ve become an insecure individual who is no longer the fun loving, free spirit with a sense of humor I once was.

As I said, three months after I moved here Ron began to change. The man that began to emerge was clearly not the same man I had met only a year prior. This new man insulted me, he called me names, he lied and a very angry person emerged that exhibited a very hostile temper. I began to feel like I was walking on egg shells. In addition, his sleeping habits changed. He was up all night and slept all day. When he arose from his slumber he would spend the entire time on the couch with a remote in one hand and tweezers in the other as he plucked the hairs from his face. If that wasn’t enough, he wouldn’t shower for up to three weeks. Attributes that continue today. Through all this I became very depressed. I felt like such a failure. I lost my confidence and my ability to even make the slightest decision or even do my own thing. I became lonely and very isolated. My demeanor changed and so did my last name. Ron insisted I had to change my last name. He vilified me every day until finally on a trip to Washington I went to court to have my name changed. Deep down I knew I had to get out of this relationship but the voices in my head reminded me of the person I initially met so I began to feel like there was something wrong with me. In addition, we travelled and on many occasions the kind man I met would emerge and I found myself believing and hoping things would get better. A few months ago I was informed of Rons infatuation with hookers and in December when I returned home from Washington I not only found earrings that weren’t mine, I found “spooge” all over the clean sheets in the closet. There were other things but somehow I managed to convince myself, it was nothing. I confronted Ron and at first he denied it and insinuated I was a lunatic until finally admitting it then punishing me…again. It’s my fault as usual.

I woke up this morning feeling frightened asking myself “what am I going to do?!” As I reflected on some of the horrible things Ron said last night I remembered him telling me I had changed. He accused me of trying to change him. He told me I need to accept him the way he is…..hmm A volatile, hot tempered, name calling person who doesn’t take a bath isn’t exactly what I signed up for. I stood up for myself for the first time. No tears, no begging I just explained that I wasn’t trying to change him, I was just trying to find the person he was when I first met him. This new guy is a stranger. I explained that I agreed I too had changed. I was no longer the fun loving, happy go lucky woman I once was. My only excuse is when you live in a negative environment with a negative person, it’s only natural to become the same thing.

I have no idea what I’m going to do. March brings two infusions and a cancer screening to ensure I’m cancer free. It also brings an appointment to begin my last phase of treatment to finally be on the road to healing. My treatment will be done on June 1st. After that I will be on hormone therapy for five years. At this time my medical treatment is being paid for and transferring to another state is not an option. I feel the need to stick this out for the four months required to beat this cancer. As I look back, I find myself wishing I had never moved here. I wish I had acted on the red flags but sometimes as women we meet a man who portrays himself as a dream come true. We are blinded by the good things and overlook the mine field of red flags coming at as like exploding bombs. If it’s too good to be true, we need to have the courage to walk away before finding ourselves in a relationship that’s hard to get out of.

I’m sharing my story today because I hope that someone reading this will take my experience to heart. If you’re in a relationship and something stinks… and never look back. I wish I had done the same. I believe that the stress of this relationship played a huge part in my depression, low self esteem, feeling of failure which ultimately led to my cancer. I’m better than this and I deserve someone who is going to treat me with love and respect and so do you. I have a faith in God so today my prayer is that the lord will see me through this and take me to a place where I’m loved and I can begin to heal from all this trauma I’ve experienced for a very long time. I also ask God to touch Ron’s heart in a way that he will once again be the kind and loving man I once knew and be nice to me. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I’m looking forward to the day I can finally put this nightmare behind me and start living again. I pray for strength, courage and faith to persevere until that day. I pray the same for you. For all those young women out there looking for a sugar daddy….my advice is this. All that money, gifts, trips etc come at a price. These men are single for a reason. The woman before you paid a price and finally walked away.


Living The Dream….God’s Dream 8-14-14

I woke up this morning to the sound of lawn mowers, hedge trimmers and happy voices from the lawn care people happily working here at Maui Hills. The sun was shining, the view of the ocean from my lanai was simply beautiful. Any one would feel happy, peaceful but yet facing my reality made it difficult to feel anything but sadness. I felt sad about my kids. They haven’t spoken to me since I left Washington. It hurts so much. The sadness of my disease, my appearance, no job, the guilt of being in paradise without my kids and family was just overwhelming. Like every morning I read my daily affirmations in the hopes of reading something that might lift my spirits and make me happy again. I prayed. I asked God to please save me. I also asked him to send people my way today that would offer me encouragement and hope. I got up to get changed so I could go on my morning walk. As I looked at myself in the mirror I noticed some of my hair was growing back. One would think I’d be elated but as I looked closer the hair growing back was grey!!! Well friends, that was fuel to the fire. I had been told that after chemo you may find some changes when your hair starts growing back. Some experience curly hair, darker hair, straight hair and/or grey hair. Grey hair?! Can things get any worse? I actually found myself looking forward to my next four chemo treatments in the hopes those pesky grey hairs would fall out and God would realize I look better as a brunette!! I started out on my walk. It was a beautiful, hot morning. I decided to listen to Rick Warren’s message on Daily Hope. Rick Warren is so inspirational and uplifting. I would recommend listening to him when you’re feeling down. Today’s message was. “keeping the crazy makers from making you crazy”. Great message considering I’m not only surrounded by crazy maker’s I’m guilty of being a crazy maker myself!!! Ouch!!! As I listened to Rick, confusion set in. Is he talking about me or all the nuts surrounding me?! If you’ve ever been to Kehei, Maui you know that there’s only one strip. I walk the only strip every morning. I’m like clock work. I walk the same time every morning and I walk to Foodland and turn around. Yesterday I walked an extra block. That was a surprise!!! On the way back there were two men walking in front of me crowding the sidewalk. I decided to walk around them. I’m not sure who engaged first, but we began walking side by side and having a friendly conversation. These men were named Kevin and Russell. They were airline pilots for American Airlines. Kevin was from Dallas and Russell was from Nashville. We talked as if we were long lost friends. At some point I shared a little bit of my story. Kevin was the first one to say “I’m going to be praying for you”. I was taken by surprise. Kevin began to tell me that god had a plan for all of us. He said we all are ” living the Dream….God’s dream”. Not always is God’s dream what we had in mind but we have to remember God’s dream is bigger than we could ever imagine. As Kevin spoke to me I remembered the prayer I had prayed earlier. I asked God to send people my way to offer me encouragement. I don’t know about you but I’d say my prayer was answered. I felt so comfortable talking to Russell and Kevin I shared my hopes, my dreams and I even shared some of the challenges I’ve faced in my life time. I told them my dream was to make a difference. I told them how I had a dream of writing a book one day and sharing my story in the hopes of making a difference in someone’s life. I told them how I wanted to be standing on a podium, sharing my story and giving others hope one day. Russell said “you’ve already made a difference by sharing your story with us. If you can make a difference in one persons life, then you’ve done your job. You’re already living God’s dream”.  Kevin reminded me that all we have to do is get through today. God didn’t bring me this far to not make it. He told me to keep fighting and just get through today every day. We exchanged business cards and hugged each other. Kevin has a website. If you’re interested look it up. Kevin and Russell made a difference in my life today, I hope that not only will I make a difference in those reading my blog, but I hope going to Kevin’s website will make a difference in your life too. God speaks to us through people. Today he spoke to me through Kevin and Russell. Who knows maybe he’s speaking to you through me today. I sure hope so. Stay strong. Keep fighting. Never give up. If I can do it… can you. Cancer sucks! But guess what?! I’m still here and so are you. Just for today keep living the dream…..God’s dream that is!!