After leaving San Francisco I found myself waiting for an apology. Many times I heard from those close to me I needed to stop waiting for an apology that would never come. I didn’t listen. Instead I dwelled and waited. It’s been four years since leaving San Francisco and guess what? The apology still hasn’t come but I’m no longer waiting for it. I’ve since encountered other situations with people for which I have waited for that apology but this post was a reminder for me to move on.
There’s a term I heard the other day. It’s “Goodbye Felicia”. Goodbye Felicia means saying goodbye to the things, people and even thoughts or expectations that no longer serve you. Tonight I say “Goodbye Felicia!” To all those things. While it’s been real it’s time to move on ❤️😇
If you’re waiting for an apology from someone who hurt you I’d like to encourage you to stop. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. What’s done is done. Move on. If you stop waiting you not only take your power back but you will no longer be disappointed when you don’t hear the words “I’m Sorry.
Growing up my dad was a huge fan of the group ABBA. I grew up listening to all of their songs. I’m 53 years old and I still love ABBA. One of my dads favorite songs was Chiquitita. He used to play that song over and over and could sing every lyric. I think of my dad every time I hear that song.
When he passed away, my mother and I cleaned out his pickup. He had several bottles of Stetson cologne and many pictures of me. He even had copies of the ads I created while I was a Marketing Consultant. I remember asking my mom why my dad had so many pictures of me and why did he have so many of my ads. She said “because your dad always thought you were so beautiful and he was so proud of you”. I still get teary eyed thinking about that day when my mother and I cleaned out my dads pickup. In his pickup was also an ABBA cd. My dad had their greatest hits. It was no surprise that he would have that in his pickup. He was ABBAs biggest fan.
My dad and I were very close. In fact, he was not only my dad, but he was my best friend too. He was the rock in my life that was always there for me in the good times and the bad times. When life threw me a curveball, I knew I could always count on my dad to be by my side offering and encouraging the strength I needed to keep moving forward. There was never a challenge too big that I couldn’t overcome. I always knew I had my sidekick who would be by my side every step of the way. I’ll be honest, I’ve been lost without my dad since he passed away. My dad took a piece of not only my heart, but my entire being when he left. I’ve been floundering ever since. I’ve made some horrible choices, I’ve been depressed and any challenge has been just too big for me to handle without my dad by my side. I have found it hard to adjust to life without my side kick. Sadly, I still have a picture of me and my dad on my night stand. I wake up to it every morning.
This past November, depression, anxiety and PTSD finally took its toll. I’ve carried a heavy load for a really long time. Not to mention, I’ve had one trial after another. I’ve tried so hard to keep my head above water but not having my dad by my side to conquer everything has proved to be difficult. I’ve prayed, I’ve sought the help from life coaches, I’ve seen spiritual healers…you name it. I’ve tried it. I finally accepted the advice of my doctors and began taking anti-depressants. I’ll admit, my doctors have encouraged me to take them for the past seven years but I’ve refused. I really believed I would come out of this depression and everything would be ok. I was wrong. Every now and then it doesn’t hurt to get a little help. Even when that help includes an anti depressant and in my case, counseling too. I am not allowing myself to feel like a failure because I had to get a little help. I remind myself this is short term until I get my emotional self back on track. The result is I am feeling better every day. I’m even laughing again. However, I’ll be honest that void of my dad is still missing. I still miss him.
Since my dad passed away I’ve only dreamed of him once. That is, until a couple of weeks ago. I woke up sweating. I had been dreaming about my dad. In my dream, he was so disappointed in me. He was disappointed in a number of things. That disappointment was heart wrenching. When I woke up I knew I had to get my shit together. I had to pick myself up and start living life again.
Yesterday, I was having a hard day. I’ve been dealing with an issue that has weighed heavy on my life as well as emotional health. I’ve been angry at myself for not having the courage to walk away from that situation that has clearly become toxic in my life. I went on my walk and just felt beaten and defeated. I prayed the entire three and a half miles. I found myself praying for clarity, wisdom and strength. I found myself feeling hopeless and gutless. I found myself wishing my dad was here to be by my side offering the courage I need to walk away. Better yet, I found myself wishing my dad was here to just deal with the issue for me. That afternoon I got in my car. I started it and when I did, Chiquitita was on the radio. I immediately thought of my dad. I remembered how much he loved this song. As I listened to the lyrics, it became clear my dad was speaking to me through this song. The lyrics really touched my heart and led me to believe it was my dad reminding me that he was still with me. He was also reminding me of who I am as well as the strength I have to finally let go of the issue and begin to move forward. I couldn’t help but cry my eyes out while driving in my car.
I don’t feel the need to share my challenge tonight. I will share on a later post when I can share I finally got through it. However, I feel the need to share this song as well as the lyrics tonight for anyone going through a tough time. Like the song, I’d like to remind you like the song reminded me, that while you may feel there’s no hope for tomorrow, the sun is still in the sky shining above you. It’s shining above me too. If we sing a new song and try once more, together we will be dancing once again. I can get through anything and believe me when I say, so can you.
Here are the lyrics:
“Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong You’re enchained by your own sorrow In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow How I hate to see you like this There is no way you can deny it I can see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet
Chiquitita, tell me the truth I’m a shoulder you can cry on Your best friend, I’m the one you must rely on You were always sure of yourself Now I see you’ve broken a feather I hope we can patch it up together
Chiquitita, you and I know How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end You will have no time for grieving Chiquitita, you and I cry But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you Let me hear you sing once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita Try once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita
So the walls came tumbling down And your love’s a blown out candle All is gone and it seems too hard to handle Chiquitita, tell me the truth There is no way you can deny it I see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet
Chiquitita, you and I know How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end You will have no time for grieving Chiquitita, you and I cry But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you Let me hear you sing once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita Try once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita Try once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita”
When the unexpected happens, you always have your inner core strength which cannot be taken from you.
In life, we are always setting goals for ourselves and working to make them happen. This gives us focus and ensures that we use our time and energy efficiently and effectively. It also provides us with a sense of purpose and direction. We know where we are going and what we want to do. But quite often, due to forces outside our control, things do not go as we had planned–the flat tire on the way to the wedding, the unforeseen flu virus–and we have to adjust to a postponement or create a whole new set of circumstances. Even positive turns of fortune — an unexpected influx of cash or falling in love — require us to be flexible and to reconsider our plans and priorities, sometimes in the blink of an eye. This is what happens when life throws you a curveball.
The ability to accept what is happening and let go of your original expectations is key when dealing with these unexpected turns of fate. We have a tendency to get stuck in our heads, clinging to an idea of how we think life should go, and we can have a hard time accepting anything that doesn’t comply with that idea. The fact is that life is unpredictable. The trip you thought was for business — and when the deal fell through, you got depressed — actually landed you at the airport two days earlier than planned so you could meet the love of your life. Your car breaks down, and you are late for an appointment. While it’s true that you never arrive at that important meeting, you end up spending a few relaxing hours with people you would never have met otherwise.
In order to keep us awake to opportunity and to teach us equanimity, the universe throws us the occasional curveball. Remember that curve balls are not only life’s way of keeping us awake, which is a gift in and of itself; they are also often life’s way of bringing us wonderful surprises. Next time a curve ball comes your way, take a deep breath, say thank you, and open your mind to a new opportunity.
There’s an old story about two monks that were on a pilgrimage. One day, on a warm and sunny day, the air was fresh and clean. They heard running water nearby and with each step the sounds came closer and closer.
They came to the top of the hill. From there they could see it. They went steadily down towards the deep, beautiful river. Suddenly, they noticed at the edge of the river, a young woman sat weeping because she was afraid to cross the river alone. She beggged the two monks to help her. The younger monk turned his back. For the members of their order it was forbidden to touch a woman. But the older monk picked up the woman and without a word carried her across the river. He put her down on the far side and continued his journey.
The younger monk came after him scolding him and berating him for breaking his vows. He went on his way for all day. A very long time. Finally, at the end of the day, the older monk turned to the younger one. “I let her go as soon as we crossed that river. Why are you still carrying her?”
I read this over a year ago. In fact I read it on May 2, 2017. I don’t recall where I read it however I found it tonight in one of my draft folders. There’s a reason I saved it in my draft folder. Undoubtedly, because I would find myself reading it again. I’m sharing this on my page tonight because as I read the story tonight it finally made sense.
Like the story I’ve been carrying quite a load. I haven’t been able to let go but I think I’m finally ready. It’s time to stop carrying the wreckage of my past and continue on this journey called life. I hope that by sharing it will encourage others to do the same.