Walk Away 2-12-20

Truth I’ve had a person in my life who has berated me, treated me like crap, lied to me, cheated on me and even blamed me for his infidelity and of course his outburst always using “frustration” (caused by me of course) as an excuse. This individual is hostile and flips out to the point he even has road range. It’s unreal the vulgarity that’s comes out of his mouth. Not to mention the disrespect for the woman he claims to love. In public he pretends to be spiritual. Bull shit!!! Walking away is an understatement. Run and never look back. People like this will rob you if you’re self worth, dignity and self respect. And if you’re not careful you might end up with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Worse, in therapy, on meds and sometimes a hospital or even a treatment facility. Of course people like this tell you that you’re crazy when in fact the real nut job is them. Pay attention to the red flags. They are always glaring even when you choose to deny them hoping for a better outcome. I’ve Been there, done that. In the end you get hurt and the road back to sanity can be long, hard and heartbreaking. Take it from me. I speak the truth from experience. This quote is so true.

Control Drama 11-11-17

Protect Yourself from Control Dramas – BY JODI JANATI

The following is an excerpt from the DailyOM 

What is a Control Drama? 

A control drama, as coined by James Redfield in his book, “The Celestine Prophecy,” is played by anyone who is feeling low on power or energy, to manipulate and steal the energy of another. Control dramas are unconscious strategies all people use to gain power or energy from another person and to essentially, “get their way with others.” We get our way with others by making them pay attention to us and then elicit a certain reaction from them to make ourselves feel fulfilled. The positive feelings we gain are won at the expense of the other person and this often causes imbalance and drama in our interpersonal relationships. 
Most of us have a dominant control drama in which we engage in automatically, without even realizing what we are doing and to what extent and expense. Your need to defend and engage in defensive responses with someone means you are caught in a control drama and you will thus, “react.” When you start to become aware of your dominant control drama and can recognize it in action, you can start to hone it and make better choices in your responses to others. Likewise, once you understand how others use control dramas to make you react, you can refrain from engaging in them and move on to more healthy resolution “responses.”
As you learn more about control dramas, you will realize you are already quite familiar with them and this is because you have been exposed to a variety of people throughout your life and have had to test each of them to successfully navigate intense interactions. Most people will resort to the same control drama when feeling tested and are completely unaware of it and how others experience them during these episodes. And with awareness, comes change. 
Awareness and recognition of a control drama allows you to break the cycle and choose to disconnect from it altogether. When a control drama isn’t controlling an interaction, you can “respond” more effectively and authentically to others. You will learn about four common control dramas people use to attract and defeat others. You will also discover there are many effective ways to approach others during difficult interactions. Knowing you have choices during difficult interactions with others, allows you to live a drama free life and helps you find your “conversation peace.” 

Gaslighting 4-28-17

A few days ago I was in the phone with a friend. During the conversation she mentioned the term “gaslighting”. I had never heard the term nor was I aware of what it meant. She briefly explained the term but encouraged me to look it up so I did. I came across the following article written by Natasha Tracy. I copied the article and felt the need to post on my blog this evening. 

This article really hit home for me. It described my previous relationship in complete detail. After reading the article everything made sense. If this article hits home for anyone reading my blog, you’re not alone and You’re Not Crazy!!  

GASLIGHTING DEFINITION, TECHNIQUES AND BEING GASLIGHTED -Natasha Tracy

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. Gaslighting often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 British play “Gas Light” wherein a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her own perceptions and sanity. Gas Light was made into a movie both in 1940 and 1944.

Gaslighting Techniques and Examples

There are numerous gaslighting techniques which can make gaslighting more difficult to identify. Gaslighting techniques are used to hide truths that the abuser doesn’t want the victim to realize. Gaslighting abuse can be perpetrated by either women or men.

“Withholding” is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions. Gaslighting examples of this would be:

 • “I’m not listening to that crap again tonight.”

 • “You’re just trying to confuse me.”

Another gaslighting technique is “countering,” where an abuser will vehemently call into question a victim’s memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.

 • “Think about when you didn’t remember things correctly last time.”

 • “You thought that last time and you were wrong.”

These techniques throw the victim off the intended subject matter and make them question their own motivations and perceptions rather than the issue at hand.

It is then that the abuser will start to question the experiences, thoughts and opinions more globally through statements said in anger like:

 • “You see everything in the most negative way.”

 • “Well you obviously never believed in me then.”

 • “You have an overactive imagination.”

“Blocking” and “diverting” are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim’s thoughts and controlling the conversation. Gaslighting examples of this include:

 • “I’m not going through that again.”

 • “Where did you get a crazy idea like that?”

 • “Quit bitching.”

 • “You’re hurting me on purpose.”

“Trivializing” is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren’t important, such as:

 • “You’re going to let something like that come between us?”

Abusive “forgetting” and “denial” can also be forms of gaslighting. In this technique, the abuser pretends to forget things that have really occurred; the abuser may also deny things like promises that have been made that are important to the victim. An abuser might say,

 • “What are you talking about?”

 • “I don’t have to take this.”

 • “You’re making that up.”

Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their “wrongdoings” and “misperceptions.”

Gaslighting Psychology

The gaslighting techniques are used in conjunction to try to make the victim doubt their own thoughts, memories and actions. Soon the victim is scared to bring up any topic at all for fear they are “wrong” about it or don’t remember the situation correctly.

The worst gaslighters will even create situations that allow for the usage of gaslighting techniques. An example of this is taking the victim’s keys from the place where they are always left, making the victim think she has misplaced them. Then “helping” the victim with her “bad memory” find the keys.

Are You a Victim of Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?

According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting emotional abuse include:

 1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

 2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.

 3.  You often feel confused and even crazy at work.

 4.  You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.

 5.  You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.

 6.  You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.

 7.  You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

 8.  You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

 9.  You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.

 10.  You have trouble making simple decisions.

 11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

 12. You feel hopeless and joyless.

 13. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.

 14. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.

 15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.