Relapse 4-11-19

March 4th for the past 17 years has been my sobriety anniversary. Every year I celebrate another year of sobriety. This year I didn’t have that opportunity.

Many of you look up to me for being strong. I often hear I’m an inspiration. I’m extremely embarrassed but today I have to be honest with myself and all of you.

Up until last July I have faced my challenges. Often times white knuckling life and often times on my knees praying for god to grant me the strength to get through another day. Last July I had my breaking point. I gave up on myself, god and life in general. I don’t feel the need to share the personal details of what happened but I will say for me it was the last straw. I picked up a bottle. In the beginning my drinking was occasional but by December my drinking had become my only way of coping with the many challenges that life continues to throw my way. What can I say? I relapsed.

Last fall, I somehow managed to get myself in therapy as well as seeing a psychiatrist. It’s no secret. I am battling chronic PTSD. I also succumbed to agreeing to anti depressants. Still I kept drinking. I wasn’t going out or anything like that. In fact, I have to find the humor in the fact that I spent my evenings like a hermit isolated in my room, watching Hallmark, CNN and even Dr Pimple Popper while drinking a glass, or shall I say, a bottle of wine. I am so embarrassed.

Through the grace of God I recognized my downfall. I picked myself up and got my ass to AA. I was not only honest with myself, but honest with the people I love. I didn’t sugar coat it. I owned it. I have owned it ever since.

Today I’m 30 days sober. It sucks to start all over again after 16 1/2 years but I’m sharing because like anyone in sobriety I’m only human. I’m also sharing because I want everyone including myself to recognize relapse happens. The important thing is to recognize it, own it and start doing the work. I am attending AA four nights per week, celebrate recovery one night per week, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I also have a life coach.

I owe myself an apology for letting myself down but more importantly I owe the people I love an apology for letting them down too.

Sobriety is hard work. Especially when life throws you a curve ball. Or in my case one curveball after the next. However sobriety is possible if you want it. I want it! I’ll do anything to stay this way including being honest. I’m not always perfect. But who is? One thing about me that those who know me is if I did it, I’ll admit it. Relapse….I did it and I admit it. I recognize it and I’m doing something about it. Thirty days may not seem like a lot after 16 1/2 years but I did it once and I’ll do it again. Thirty days is only the beginning.

With that said I hope that my honesty helps someone struggling today.

Let It Be 2-7-19

I’ve always loved this song. Even when I was a young girl this song would hold a special meaning. It never failed, it came on in the Knick of time to offer me the comfort I needed at that time. It reminded me then and still reminds me today to….Let It Be. I’m posting in the hopes that if anyone is struggling that this song will come as a reminder that whatever you’re going through….Let It Be. Everything is going to be ok. Many if you may not know the true meaning of this song, but here it is.

Paul McCartney wrote this song. It was inspired by his mother, Mary, who died when he was 14. Many people thought “Mother Mary” was a biblical reference when they heard it.

According to McCartney, this is a very positive song, owing to its inspiration. One night when he was paranoid and anxious, he had a dream where he saw his mother, who had been dead for ten years or so – she came to him in his time of trouble, speaking words of wisdom that brought him much peace when he needed it. It was this sweet dream that got him to begin writing the song.

He told the story to James Corden when he appeared on his Carpool Karaoke segment. “She was reassuring me, saying, ‘It’s going to be OK, just let it be.’ I felt so great. She gave me the positive words. I woke up and thought, ‘What was that? She said ‘Let It Be.’ That’s good.’ So I wrote the song ‘Let It Be’ out of positivity.”

I Hope You Never Have To Do This 1-5-19

My mom and I were driving out of the mall today. As we approached the stop sign to turn on to the main road out of the parking lot, there stood a homeless man holding up a sign that read “I hope you never have to do this”. I have to say, those words really tugged at my heart. I often say “in a New York minute, everything can change”. I should know. My life is very different that it was only six years ago.

We drove out of the mall. I didn’t say anything to my mom but I drove all the way to the main Road. I turned right, then turned right again. My mom asked “where are we going?” I replied “don’t ask. You’ll only make fun of me”. I drove back to the mall parking lot and stopped where that man was. He was not only freezing but I could tell he had been crying. I told him I didn’t have any cash on me but would be happy to buy him a meal and some coffee. He said “yes. Thank you!” I drove across the street to McDonald’s and bought him two meals and some coffee. When I returned and handed him his bag he looked at me in awe saying “oh my god! Thank you”. I then handed him his coffee. My heart went out to him as I could see him tear up. He thanked me again and said “I love you”.

I’m sharing this story tonight because I’d like to encourage others to have a heart and do your best to show compassion to others. You won’t always be greeted with the same love and gratitude this man showed to my mother and I but what you will be greeted with is a sense of peace knowing you helped someone in need. There are no guarantees in life. You never know when you might find yourself standing at a mall parking lot holding up a sign that says “I hope this never happens to you!” It will Be then that you will find yourself hoping someone will stop and lend a helping hand.

Gratitude 11-22-18

Today is Thanksgiving. A day when you’re surrounded by family. Turkey on the table while giving thanks for all the many blessings. Especially family. Today it’s just me and my mom. My kids are spending their thanksgiving elsewhere. No family, no kids, no grandkids for my mother and I to surround the table. With that in mind, my mother and I opted not to buy a turkey. In fact, we aren’t preparing a thanksgiving meal today. For us, today is just another day. However, despite the lack of all the fixings that surround this special day, I still find myself thankful.

I received the following email this morning from Rhonda Byrne, author of the Secret. It reminded me of the many things I’m grateful for.

Gratitude is not bound by time and space, it’s dimensionless.  When you’re grateful that energy radiates both near and far simultaneously, which means your individual gratitude reaches the entire planet and beyond.

 Let’s join forces and radiate gratitude to every circumstance and event that crosses our path today, and to everyone we meet.  And then let’s set an intention that we will carry even more gratitude with us going forward into every day!

 Gratitude is your power to change anything, through the simple act of being thankful!

 Rhonda Byrne

The Secret…. bringing joy and gratitude to billions.

Not long ago my life was in complete disarray. It’s not perfect today however, life is so much better than it was. I have three awesome young adult children who I’m proud of. I have two amazing grandchildren. I’m not rich. In fact, my finances are rather compromised but I have a roof over my head. I have a cozy bed to sleep in. My room has an awesome flat screen tv that allows me the luxury of watching Hallmark. I have a car. I still struggle with my health but I have a great health care team and I have insurance. I’m not lying on a beach somewhere basking in the sun but I’m alive! These things may not seem like much but to me it’s a blessing. I’m thankful to God for every thing he’s provided me with.

I continue to pray for a new beginning. A life filled with abundance again. A life filled with peace, love and joy. The truth is, life is what you make it. Find the gratitude in every day. There’s always something to be grateful for. And remember you can have all the material wealth you desire however, at the end of the day, you can’t take it with you. My dad used to say “I’ve never seen a u-haul behind a Hearst” he was right. Find the gratitude in every day. Every moment and spread that gratitude to others.

Thank you to all my readers who have taken the time to read my blog these past few years. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Life isn’t always without challenges. I should know. If there’s been a challenge or trial to be had, I’ve been center stage but you know what? Life is good. Every day we are able to open our eyes and experience yet another day in this crazy thing called life, it’s another day god has blessed us to enjoy life with the living. Have an awesome day and a blessed thanksgiving.

Highs and Lows 11-12-18

I’ve put $3 worth of gas in my tank before and I’ve put $40 in my tank. I’ve had $5 to feed myself and I’ve had $500 to go out to eat. I’ve asked for rides and given rides. I’ve had a house full of food and I’ve been without food. I’ve given people clothes. I’ve been given clothes. I’ve been in stores cashing out with no worries and I’ve also had to add it up and put it back. I’ve paid my rent in full and I’ve had to pay it late too. I’ve given money and I too have had to ask for it. We all have highs and lows in life, some certainly more than others, but we’re all just trying to make it. No one is better than anyone else, and I pity those who think that they are. No matter how big your house is, how new your car is, or how much money sits in your bank account – we all bleed red and will all die someday. Death has no discrimination neither should your life. Be kind to others. And know not everyone has the same heart as you… The people who pretend they love you so much will leave you standing in all the storms just so they can shine…

I Challenge you to copy & paste this! Most people won’t because they’re the person I’m talking about…. But if you are Genuine, Post A Picture of yourself.

Enjoy life! You only get one. ❤️

Being A Silver Girl 9-26-18

This past May I posted this song on my blog. Not for any reason other than I think the song is beautiful. I love the lyrics. As I listened to the lyrics this morning while I was at the gym, I began to ponder the lyrics. Like many women, Silver Girl is a woman caught up in a high tech world. While some of us can not relate to the high tech world, I think as women we can all relate to the fact that we are all caught up in an “all man’s world”.

Like Silver Girl, some of us have the Midas Touch. Some of us are Lady Luck. Some of us are Golden Girls. Some of us are girlie girls. Some of us have a million bucks and some of us look like we have a million bucks. At times, many of us are actresses putting on a performance as we face challenges every day. I can certainly relate to being an actress. Often times people think they know everything about me but they don’t. I don’t think anyone truly knows what’s in my soul. They don’t know my fears, my insecurities, my pain or even my joy. All I know, I’m just me. Right or indifferent….I am who I am. I’m just me.

As women we are all different but one thing for sure, like Silver Girl, often times we look back at the hard times and recognize how far we’ve come. It’s mind blowing. Personally as I look back at all the trials and challenges I’ve faced it is very mind blowing for me. I don’t always want to remember but I do. One thing I know, despite everything I’ve been through, I’m still here. I’m still standing. I have some regrets but I keep getting up.

Like Silver Girl, I feel alone sometimes. I am confident I’m not the only woman in the world to feel lonely. I’m insane beyond my years from all my experiences and like Silver Girl despite it all, I will forever be an adventurer. I’m sure many women reading today can relate.

I’d like to imagine myself dressed in all silver. Successful, strong and wealthy. I don’t know Silver Girl but somehow I feel like her when I listen to this song.

Today I dedicate this song to all the Silver Girls out there. We stand strong. We stand together and we stand in all Silver as Silver Girls. Women with a force to be reckoned with. Women in an all mans world surviving and winning every day.