Valentines Day 2-13-16

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I will be spending it alone w no sweetie to surprise me w chocolate or even flowers but the good news is I’m grateful. I may be lonely but this years valentines will be a heck of a lot better than last year.
My daughter and her boyfriend had bought me this dress to surprise my ex on Valentine’s Day last year. I’ll admit, while the dress was hot, I may not have been the hottest chick to look at. I was bald from chemo, Boney and exhausted. Cancer does that to you. As some of you know my ex treated me horribly as I fought the fight and in the end admitted to treating me poorly because I became unattractive. 
Well I finally wore the dress for an ad campaign at my newspaper. I’m happy to report I made the front page. So to all the “Ron Rodriguezes” out there who treat women like shit when we are fighting cancer…..kiss our ass! We do rise above this. We do get our looks back and in my opinion, we come back stronger and better & I think better looking!! And thankfully, without the likes of cruel and vain men like you!! I’m stronger, I’m better and I’m no longer swimming at the bottom of the ocean with a bottom fish anymore!!

  
This is last years story. Today’s story is so much better. Thank you lord for bringing me out of that nightmare and into a happier and better future. I think I’m ready to “Try and Love Again”.    http://youtu.be/rFDP4_X7VgY

The Stranger In My Bed 2-18-15 | fiercefabulousfunny

https://fiercefabulousfunny.com/2015/02/18/the-stranger-in-my-bed-2-18-15/

Back On My Feet 1-12-16

Facebook has this wonderful memory ap that reminds you of things you may have posted on that particular day. I suppose in the hopes the memory will spark a little piece of happiness. The ap notifies you of all your “memories” going back several years and you can choose to share your memories or not. 

Today is January 12th. Like most days, Facebook posted my memories along with pictures I may have posted on this day over the years. I reviewed my photos and low and behold a picture of my ex, Ron, popped up. On this day in 2012, Ron and I met and quickly became a couple. We celebrated the 12th of every month as our anniversary. It was a happy time. However, when I saw the photo today, happy was not the feeling that I felt when I looked at the picture. For me it was a reminder of how choosing the wrong partner can change our lives forever. I should’ve chose the guy hugging me!! Lol Ron certainly changed my life forever. And I can assure you not for the better. 

  
As I ponder that fateful night I realized that while my decision to engage in a relationship with Mephistopheles  himself, may have brought pain, suffering and heartache, it also brought so much growth. The past four years have been nothing short of a “magical carpet ride” It’s taken me places I’ve never seen before and honestly I never want to see again. 

For the past year and a half, I’ve battled cancer, financial difficulties, loneliness, emotional abuse, the list goes on, all while in a relationship with the star of “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” Ron Rodriguez! Through it all, I’ve had this recurring dream of walking on a stage wearing a pencil, tight, red dress and wearing a scarf on my head. People are cheering and applauding as I walk on stage. I begin to speak and share my story of survival. At the end of my speech, music begins to play. It’s a song by The Babys. John Waite is belting out “Back On My Feet Again”. I flex my arm and hold up a fist and shout “I’m back on my feet! I made it. You can too!” The applause is so loud as I walk off the stage.  This is only a dream but a dream I have had so often this past year. Maybe it’s wishful thinking or maybe a sign of good days to come. 

Life has a way with coming full circle. Today may have been a reminder of that fateful day I met the “man of my dreams” and my life changed forever but the good news is, I’m no longer in that relationship and rather than reflect on the past and the pain it caused, I feel the need to see today as the end of that period. Life has finally come full circle. I choose to see it as closure.  Four years ago I started over, four years later I have been given another chance. I find myself starting over and while my life may not be peaches and cream right now, it’s not the spoonful of vinegar it was only eight months ago. Just like in 2012 when I travelled to San Francisco to heal from the death of my father, this month I will be traveling to Maui to heal from the past four years. I’m beginning a new circle of life. And guess what “Jack Nicholson” (my ex), isn’t in it. His new beginning is right around the corner. Things always come back and I suspect the next four years for him will certainly not be peaches and cream. After all, we reap what we sow.  I may still be battling cancer, loneliness and all the other crap that comes with beginning again but one thing I know is I’m still standing. I’m making it every day through the grace of God. For that I’m grateful!!

Today I’m not on that stage I’ve dreamed of so much. I’m not wearing a pencil, tight, red dress and I don’t have a crowd cheering me on and applauding me, but I’m still here and I’m still standing. I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I’m praying that this new circle of life will bring me a new beginning and a new amazing life. Today marks the end of a bad memory and the beginning of new and happy memories coming my way.  Thank you John Waite for the greatest song ever!!!  I’m on the road to being “back on my feet again!!!

 

The Stranger In My Bed 2-18-15

The past few days have been challenging. I find myself in a situation where I can no longer take the pain and suffering I feel deep in my heart. A feeling I’ve been experiencing for a really long time. Ironically this pain has been brought on by the very person I gave up my life for three years ago, leaving my family, friends and everything I knew because I believed I had finally met the man of my dreams. My heart was filled with love as well as hope for a new beginning.

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day for couples. A day where we express the love we have for one another. I’m a romantic at heart so naturally, I hold this day very close to my heart. For Valentine’s Day I walked to Union Square where I purchased a mushy card along with a box of See’s candy specifically picked out by me to ensure the box was perfect when I gave it to my significant other. I also purchased a pair of well needed pants for my special guy. I gave my gifts to my “Valentine” sealing the gifts with a big kiss. The response I received wasn’t exactly what I expected. My “Valentine” lashed out at me saying I only bought him this gift so he would be indebted to me. He called me names, gave me the silent treatment and in short hurt my feelings. He ignored me for 24 hours and has continued to vilify me since. I should also mention that he gave me nothing for Valentines Day. Nothing! Not even a card or at the very least, a thank you. Since that day, things have gone from bad to worse. I’ve been punished ever day. Name calling, silent treatment and yesterday my loving “Valentine” left and never returned for over three hours. I have no idea where he went. My phone calls went unanswered. When I asked him where he was he blew up and was kind enough to say “Get the fuck out!” He knows I’m in the middle of treatment, I have nowhere to go and leaving at this time just isn’t an option. I’m trapped and I’m broke to boot!

I met Ron three years ago. He was quite a bit older than myself. I was 46 and he was 65. The man I met is nowhere near the person he became after I moved to San Francisco to live with him. The man I met was kind, affectionate, loving and pampered me in a way I had never been treated by any man. He opened my car door, he held my hand, he showered me with gifts and trips. I recall the first Valentines Day after we met I was surprised to receive two flower deliveries that consisted of two dozen roses. He called me beautiful all the time, he laughed at all of my jokes and he was a lot of fun. That all changed three months after I moved in with him.

Prior to moving here there were many red flags that as I look back I wish I had not overlooked by allowing the sweetness of this man to take precedence over the warning signs that were gleaming like a bright light. It began with a former girlfriend who continually called and texted at all hours of the night once I moved here. She was an ex girlfriend who also happened to be a 27 year old Latin Stripper who works at the Hustler Club. From what I understand, she had been “using” him for his money. Ron supplied her with $2000 per month along with many other perks but he insisted their relationship was over. However, I found it hard to believe since wherever we were, whether on Vacation, dinner or a movie, this woman was continually reaching out to Ron with messages of love or asking for money. In addition, her mother lived and still lives at one of his apartments. One day I found a dirty pair of underwear in his bag after he returned from his apartment building. I confronted him about it but he had an excuse that somehow turned things around to be my fault. After returning from a visit to Washington I found women’s underwear in our room that didn’t belong to me. When I questioned Ron he insisted they were mine and that I was “suspicious”. This went on and on and continues to this day. Every time I would confront Ron he somehow managed to twist things around making it all my fault and for many days after I would receive the silent treatment along with some name calling in between. I began to second guess myself and the result is I’ve become an insecure individual who is no longer the fun loving, free spirit with a sense of humor I once was.

As I said, three months after I moved here Ron began to change. The man that began to emerge was clearly not the same man I had met only a year prior. This new man insulted me, he called me names, he lied and a very angry person emerged that exhibited a very hostile temper. I began to feel like I was walking on egg shells. In addition, his sleeping habits changed. He was up all night and slept all day. When he arose from his slumber he would spend the entire time on the couch with a remote in one hand and tweezers in the other as he plucked the hairs from his face. If that wasn’t enough, he wouldn’t shower for up to three weeks. Attributes that continue today. Through all this I became very depressed. I felt like such a failure. I lost my confidence and my ability to even make the slightest decision or even do my own thing. I became lonely and very isolated. My demeanor changed and so did my last name. Ron insisted I had to change my last name. He vilified me every day until finally on a trip to Washington I went to court to have my name changed. Deep down I knew I had to get out of this relationship but the voices in my head reminded me of the person I initially met so I began to feel like there was something wrong with me. In addition, we travelled and on many occasions the kind man I met would emerge and I found myself believing and hoping things would get better. A few months ago I was informed of Rons infatuation with hookers and in December when I returned home from Washington I not only found earrings that weren’t mine, I found “spooge” all over the clean sheets in the closet. There were other things but somehow I managed to convince myself, it was nothing. I confronted Ron and at first he denied it and insinuated I was a lunatic until finally admitting it then punishing me…again. It’s my fault as usual.

I woke up this morning feeling frightened asking myself “what am I going to do?!” As I reflected on some of the horrible things Ron said last night I remembered him telling me I had changed. He accused me of trying to change him. He told me I need to accept him the way he is…..hmm A volatile, hot tempered, name calling person who doesn’t take a bath isn’t exactly what I signed up for. I stood up for myself for the first time. No tears, no begging I just explained that I wasn’t trying to change him, I was just trying to find the person he was when I first met him. This new guy is a stranger. I explained that I agreed I too had changed. I was no longer the fun loving, happy go lucky woman I once was. My only excuse is when you live in a negative environment with a negative person, it’s only natural to become the same thing.

I have no idea what I’m going to do. March brings two infusions and a cancer screening to ensure I’m cancer free. It also brings an appointment to begin my last phase of treatment to finally be on the road to healing. My treatment will be done on June 1st. After that I will be on hormone therapy for five years. At this time my medical treatment is being paid for and transferring to another state is not an option. I feel the need to stick this out for the four months required to beat this cancer. As I look back, I find myself wishing I had never moved here. I wish I had acted on the red flags but sometimes as women we meet a man who portrays himself as a dream come true. We are blinded by the good things and overlook the mine field of red flags coming at as like exploding bombs. If it’s too good to be true, we need to have the courage to walk away before finding ourselves in a relationship that’s hard to get out of.

I’m sharing my story today because I hope that someone reading this will take my experience to heart. If you’re in a relationship and something stinks…..run and never look back. I wish I had done the same. I believe that the stress of this relationship played a huge part in my depression, low self esteem, feeling of failure which ultimately led to my cancer. I’m better than this and I deserve someone who is going to treat me with love and respect and so do you. I have a faith in God so today my prayer is that the lord will see me through this and take me to a place where I’m loved and I can begin to heal from all this trauma I’ve experienced for a very long time. I also ask God to touch Ron’s heart in a way that he will once again be the kind and loving man I once knew and be nice to me. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I’m looking forward to the day I can finally put this nightmare behind me and start living again. I pray for strength, courage and faith to persevere until that day. I pray the same for you. For all those young women out there looking for a sugar daddy….my advice is this. All that money, gifts, trips etc come at a price. These men are single for a reason. The woman before you paid a price and finally walked away.

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Sleeping Angel 1-19-15

I’m not sure where to begin as I write tonight. Today my friend Lola reached out to me from New Jersey. She called and offered me so many words of encouragement and more importantly she encouraged me to use my gift of writing in a positive way. Lola is a woman of God. She is filled with so much love and is a powerful prayer warrior. I’m so grateful to call her my friend. Lola prayed for me and encouraged me to put all my faith in the Lord, trust him and pray, pray, pray. After we hung up I found myself feeling hopeful. I have to admit, the challenges of cancer and my life in general has really brought me to my knees. More often than not, I feel defeated and hopeless.

This afternoon Ron and I had an argument. It was ugly and I felt sick about it. I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I got in my car and drove to St Dominic’s Church. Somehow going to church felt like the right thing to do. St Dominic’s is so beautiful it takes my breath away every time I walk through the door. I always feel a sense of awe when I’m there. At times, I’m in such awe, my eyes begin to fill with tears. It’s such an emotional experience. I lit a candle when I arrived. I got on my knees and prayed. As I talked to God, I found a sense of peace come over me and for the first time I felt as if the Lord had actually heard me. After I prayed, I sat on the pew and just stared at the altar. Finally, I stood up and left.

As I drove home, I found myself feeling peaceful. I wasn’t worried about going home and being greeted by the wrath of Rons volatile behavior. I trusted everything would calm itself and things would work out eventually. I prayed asking God for a small sign that he had heard me, even though I knew in my heart he had. When I got home, Ron was still angry. I opted to stay in peace and trust the Lord would take care of everything. Ron was still behaving irrationally, so rather than allow him to make me feel bad about myself like I usually do, I got my sweats on and went to the gym.

I love to listen to music when I’m at the gym. I have a very extensive playlist on YouTube. Tonight I pulled up my playlist titled “Cancer Bravery”. This list consists of songs that have somehow offered a sense of courage as I’ve fought cancer these past few months. As I went through my list of songs, I noticed a song by Stevie Nicks. I didn’t recognize it and truthfully, I don’t recall ever hearing the song, much less recall how it even made it on my list. I clicked on it and as I listened to the lyrics, the words began to resonate with my own personal struggle to trust in a power higher than myself to work things out for me.

I believe in God, as I refer to him. I believe he exists. Trusting him is another story. I think I’m not alone. I believe many of us are believers, however trusting in something we can’t feel, hear or touch can prove to be a difficult task. As I listened to the lyrics of this song, I knew in my heart God had heard me tonight. The lyrics describe my thoughts and feelings that have prevented me from letting go and trusting things would work out according to Gods plan, on his time and not my own. I’m continually on this roller coaster of “trying to believe you. I’m learning all the time”. Like the song, I know I need God in my life because without him I wouldn’t be able to breathe. However, I have this “love affair” with the him that’s as dysfunctional as my current and past relationships with all the men in my life. At times my relationship is up, while other times are down. I want to believe that God loves me. I want to believe he has a plan for good, but it’s hard.

Earlier this morning, my friend suggested I write a letter to God expressing how I feel. I couldn’t express my feelings better than the lyrics from this song so here it is….my letter to God.

Dear God (as I call him)

Take me if you need me, but never hold me down. You’re asking me to trust you, well there’s little of that around. I’m trying to believe you. And I’m learning all the time. Two-part personality, the flower and the vine.

Take me, sleeping angel. Catch me, when you can. Real love affairs are heavy spells, for a woman and a man.

I need you because you let me breathe, well you’ve taken me away. But never take me lightly, or I can never stay.

Someday, when we’re older and my hair is silver grey. Unbraid with all of the love that you have, like a soft silver chain.

Take me sleeping angel, catch me when you can. And unbraid with all of the love that you have, like a soft silver chain.

I’m a work in progress, Lord God, but I pray that you won’t give up on me yet. I’m a work in progress but I’m ready and willing to give you my best shot. Thank you God for believing in me and thank you for never giving up on me even on the days, I’ve given up on you.

Love always,

Velma

Home By The Sea 11-8-14

Welcome to your home by the sea……those are the words I heard two years ago when I packed up my bags, abandoning everyone and everything I knew and moved to San Francisco. Since then, every morning that I wake up I have thought to myself “help me someone! Let me out of here!”

One week ago yesterday I had my sixth and hopefully final chemo treatment. This past week has been the week from hell! I can’t begin to tell you how sick I’ve been. I won’t go in to detail by boring you with all the details, I’ll just say that recovery has been a challenge. I’ve prayed a lot, I’ve cried out loud a lot, I’ve felt sorry for myself a lot and I’ve reflected and wished my life was different a lot. Yesterday I managed to walk to my monthly Professional Women’s group luncheon. I was having a conversation with one of the ladies and I shared how I had prayed for so long for the doors to finally open so I could finally go home and be reunited with my children. Her reply struck a cord with me. She said “maybe your prayer hasn’t been answered because it’s God’s will that you are here to receive the medical treatment you need to get healthy. You’re not any good to your children or family if you’re not well”. As soon as she said that it reminded me of my dear friend and attorney, Garth Dano. I will never forget the day we were standing at the courthouse. I had just been released from Sundown for alcohol abuse and I had lost custody of my kids. Those of you who know my story know that my last drunk was three fifths, a bottle of wine and a half gallon of whiskey. I had burned my eyelashes off and I had cut my arms, legs & face with a knife. I looked at Garth that day with tears in my eyes and asked “Garth, what am I going to do now?” His response was “honey you’re rock bottom. There’s no where to go from here but up. You’re no good to those kids until you’re good to yourself.” I’ve never forgotten those words. I picked myself up out of the gutter and a year later after a lot of hard work, determination and sobriety, I got my kids back. As I walked home I kept thinking about that day along with Garth’s words. I reflected how I had beat my alcoholism and went on to get my kids back. I couldn’t help but wish I was reliving that same experience only I had beat cancer and I was finally in my car on my way home. When I got home I went to the mailbox to get my mail. I had a letter from the Columbia Basin Herald. I opened it up and found a letter Garth had written me and was accidentally mailed to the Herald. When I read it, I began to cry. It was ironic I had been thinking about Garth and to receive such a moving letter from my my dearest and most loyal friend only gave me hope to believe I can get through yet another challenge again. And soon I’ll be with my kids again.

I chose to share this song today because I can relate to the lyrics. Like the song for the past couple of years I’ve prayed those same words “help me someone! Let me out of here!” I also have spent the past couple of years “dreaming of the time I was free. So many years ago before I heard the words welcome to your home by the sea!” My life has always been an open book. I’ve never shied away from sharing the intimate details of the ups and downs of my personal life. I’ve shared my struggles in my relationships. I’ve shared my struggles overcoming alcohol/Ritalin addiction, anorexia/bulemia, divorce, custody battles and these past two years I’ve shared my very intimate struggles and downfalls since I arrived in San Francisco on social media. Whether it was on Facebook and now on my latest venture blogging. Like the song “I’ve relived my life in what I tell you”. Not long ago a very dear friend of mine offered some advice. She said that while my stories were entertaining, maybe sharing such intimate details wasn’t in my best interest. I have to agree. I don’t share my story as a way to entertain people. Rather I share because my hope is those who hear or read my story will learn from my experiences and not make the same mistakes themselves.

Life is hard. I haven’t been a saint. I’ve taken the wrong path many times in my life. I’ve made some really bad choices and the consequences have been overwhelming at times. Believe me when I say, I have many regrets. If I had a do over, I certainly wouldn’t have done many of the things I’ve done. Today I’m fighting cancer. I can’t change that. I’m trapped here in my “home by the sea” and everyday I’m praying to get out of here and go home and be reunited with my children. However going home is not the case today but like Garth said so many years ago “I’m no good to my kids until I’m good to myself”. With that said I have to get healthy and hopefully history will repeat itself and like many years ago I will be with my kids again. Soon!!!

If you’re reading this today and you find yourself struggling or you’re thinking the grass is greener on the other side, take a lesson from me. It’s not. Be thankful for what you have. Don’t make the mistakes I’ve made. Sometimes the easy way out only complicates things and makes everything worse. Like I said, I’m not writing to entertain you, I’m writing and sharing to encourage you to take a good look at my story and learn from it because if my story helps anyone then all this crap I’ve been through and wrote about was worth it.

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Going Salsa 9-28-14

Since being diagnosed with breast cancer my partner has behaved rather aloof towards me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s taken me to all of my chemo appointments but he’s been very distant. In fact, I have felt on many occasions he no longer finds me attractive. Besides the insults, the temper tantrums when it comes to wearing my wig, my partner has gone out of his way to blatantly check out other women when we are out. And not just any women, he is infatuated with young girls in their 20’s. He has gone out of his way to slow down while we are in the car and gawk every time he sees a young woman wearing a short skirt or dress. I’m not going to lie, it has been very hurtful. The other night we were on our way home. There was a young woman in her 20’s getting in her car. She was wearing an extremely short dress. My partner not only slowed down to look, he stopped the car and stared. He must have accidentally taken his foot off the break because the car began to move forward while he was still staring and he nearly hit a pedestrian. I was nothing short of insulted!!!!

Last night on our way home from seeing the Motown Musical, rather than driving home, we kept driving around the block at Union Square. The entire time my partner was slowing down to gawk at all the young girls in their 20’s wearing short dresses. I had finally had enough so when I saw 2 young girls in their 20’s wearing short dresses walking towards us on the sidewalk, I blurted out “here come 2 young girls wearing short dresses! You better look!” My partners blurted out “where?!” When he came to his senses he asked me what I was trying to say. I explained that I felt it was very inappropriate, rude and disrespectful towards me for him to continually be so blatant about checking out other women. Especially young ladies in their 20’s. His response was “I’m not blind and you’ll just have to deal with it!” He didn’t deny it at first however when I asked him how he would feel if I was doing the same, his response took a turn. He began to call me names, he insulted me and even accused me of being a liar and a manipulator. I kept my cool. I didn’t argue. When we got home I explained to my partner that he was free to gawk & lust over whoever he wanted and I was free to voice how I felt about the situation. I explained to him that I found his infatuation w young women in their 20’s to be extremely disgusting. I also felt he exhibited pedephile behaviors and he would be perfect to be on 60 minutes. I explained that if a 68 year old dirty old man was lusting over my 21 year old daughter I would literally kick his ass!! As usual, he tried to manipulate the situation and blame me. He insulted me repeatedly. He even accused me of being a pedephile! Of course my response was “that’s highly impossible since unlike you I don’t spend my time lusting over young boys in their 20’s!” I laughed at him. The whole time I kept my cool and did not allow him to get the best of me. I was a cool cat. I didn’t let anything he threw at me to get the best of me. I stood up for myself and for every parent with a 21 year old daughter who should be protected from the likes of any dirty old man. My partner was furious that he could not break me.

This morning I woke up and thought I’d give him a taste of his own medicine. I put on my short salsa dress and slipped on a pair of high heels. When he woke up I greeted him with nothing but sugar and love. A feeling that was certainly not reciprocated. He began to argue with me and call me names. He accused me of “playing with his head “. Are you serious, dude?!!! I laughed at him and said “get over it! Quit being a drama queen!!!” He accused me of lying about the situation. I responded “you admitted it so in what way am I liar?” Grumpy was in full force. I remained cool and continued to be sweeter than sugar. He didn’t get very far so finally he stormed out of the house. He was gone for over 2 hours. When he returned he started in on me again. At this point I’m laughing. I continued to act nice. He told me that from now on I would just have to accept him looking at other woman. I looked at him and replied “that’s fine. But as long as you’re gawking at other girls I’ll be wearing short dresses, just the way you like it to give other men a reason to gawk at me!” Clearly he was spitting bullets. He told me to go downstairs the way I was dressed so men could look at me. I seized the opportunity to be a smart ass and replied “no, I’m not in the mood. I’m actually going to wait until mass tonight and go dressed like this so the men can gawk at me there”. He was furious saying “that’s just great. You’re going to mass dressed like that?!” I responded “yes. What’s the big deal?! I’m dressed just how you like it!” He walked in to the living room and threw himself on the couch.

I have spent the entire day dressed like I’m on my way to a salsa club. I have to admit, I don’t feel comfortable. My feet are killing me but I’m determined to make a point. I’ve continued to be sweet going as far as making my guy a sandwich. For the next few days I’m going to wear short skirts, high heels and this ridiculous wig. I know it’s driving him insane but I don’t care!! After all, why should I? He clearly has no regard for me so I will dress like a salsa dancer every where we go. That includes Safeway, costco and even my doctors appointments. I may not be 20 something anymore. I may not be that sexy hot chick anymore but I’ll say this. I still have class and a little bit of respect left. I’ve been through hell and back for the past few months and while I’m tired, haggard and no longer sexy, I still deserve respect. We all do!!!! And as far as I’m concerned he can kiss my ass!! Lol

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Stick This In Your Fuse Box

I love AC/DC! I’m 48 years old but I’m proud to say they are still my all time favorite rock bands. If you graduated in 1984 like me you can relate. AC/DC was a staple cassette playing in your car playing every weekend on your way to a party!!! AC/DC still has a way with bringing out that feisty, free spirit I was when I was in high school every time I listen to their music.

I’ve been in a relationship with an older man. He’s 68. Ladies, if you’re my age and you still have that feisty spirit in you, my suggestion is do not get involved with an older man. It can really drain your spirit. And the worse part is, in my experience Listening to AC/DC is not at the top of their list. Hmmm it will be interesting to see how long this relationship will last. Again…..don’t do it!!!

I live in the city. I’ve been told the population in San Francisco is over 700,000 people. And from what I understand the population can reach a million during the work week. Yesterday I took my daily walk. It was a rather warm day so I thought “what the heck!” I took my hat off and exposed my lovely “chemo” head. I figured I’d try to get some sun and I have to be honest my head was sweating. It felt so good to air out my egg head as I walked outside. When I got home, the first thing my partner asked was “Where’s your hat?” He had this look of disbelief on his face. I replied “pardon me?” “Where’s your hat? Why were you walking around looking like that?” I looked at him and said “it’s in my pocket! I thought I’d tan my head!” (I mean really, who cares? I highly doubt a million people were going to notice or care.) Unfortunately, my partner didn’t agree. In fact, he had a slight bitch fit. I didn’t care. I just brushed him off and walked away. This morning when I got back from the gym I was greeted by “grumpy”. At this point I’m beginning to feel like saying something rude or worse throwing my Harley Boots at him but I took the high road. The building I live at was hosting a BBQ and luau pool party complete with food, drinks and a live Polynesian band. I asked my partner if he’d like to go with me. He of course said no. I knew he was embarrassed of me. Any one reading this who has either gone through chemo or is going through it right now, not all of you but some of you, can relate that our physical changes can quickly put a damper on our relationship. Some men are just so vain and caddy that it’s hard for them to view us as the “hot babes” we were pre cancer. It sucks but as I fight this disease I find myself developing a thick skin and not really caring anymore. My dad always used to say. “Velma, men are like greyhound busses. There’s always another one at the next stop, going the same place for the same fare!” Then he’d hand me a 100 dollar bill and tell me to go buy myself something pretty. As I go through this journey I find myself thinking about my dads words and think to myself “if this guy can’t see you as the beautiful person you are inside, then it’s his loss!” He’s just another greyhound bus than can be easily replaced down the road when I beat this.

Fighting cancer can be challenging. However, the positive for me is as I travel this journey I find myself becoming a much stronger woman. I’m not as worried about what others think of me, especially a boyfriend. I don’t like the person I see in the mirror but it is what it is. I can’t change it. I don’t even remember what the pretty girl I was looked like anymore. More importantly before anyone judges me based on my appearance, they need to take a walk in my shoes. Fighting cancer is a bitch!!! After my 3rd treatment, my partner got us tickets to go watch my beloved Giants play baseball. It was a baseball game so I thought I’d bypass the wig and wear a hat. I had to laugh when my partner threw himself on the couch and refused to move until I put my wig on. Seriously?! What is he 2?!!! Well I put the wig on. But I’m happy to report that as I’m further in to my treatment all of the insults don’t faze me anymore. In fact, I’m fighting back with some of my quick wit, smart ass comments that I’ve been known for. Something I had lost these past 2 years. Today however I decided to keep my mouth shut and do something better. I suppose the sight of “grumpy” finally send me over the edge. So today after he said no to joining me at the pool party I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I left the door open and turned on my favorite AC/DC playlist and played it super loud. I took my time in the bathroom to ensure I send my guy over the edge. He’s a dinosaur remember? Rock music doesn’t sit well with him. After I got ready I decided to wear what he hates the most, my favorite pair of Gap Boyfriend jeans, (he hates when I wear them but lucky for him I didn’t wear the ones with holes), I slipped on a black top, a flowey sweater, I wrapped my favorite Harley Davidson bandana around my chemo head and topped it off with a black “sleep” hat. Then I rolled out my cutest sandals so I could expose my unpolished toes (polish is NOT recommended while going through chemo) and I walked out and went to the pool. But before I walked out I made sure to be listening to “Live Wire” (cuz I’m a live wire) and I sang really loud in the bathroom. My favorite part……stick this in your fuze box! Lol. I went to the pool party and had a great time. I hob nobbed with all of the neighbors. Then I walked to my acupuncture appointment looking like this. I’m including a photo and if you ask me, I think I look cute!! Lol. In other words. “Stick this in your fuze box Mr Caddy Old As Dirt Greyhound bus boyfriend!”

I copied the links to 2 of my favorite AC/DC songs for anyone who is fighting cancer and reading this. The next time your guy behaves a little caddy, put your big girl pants on and fight back while rocking out to only the best rock band ever. You’ll be surprised at the courage a little AC/DC will give you.

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Snow White & The 7 Dwarfs 9-10-14

Relationships are hard. Whether you’re married, dating or cohabiting, It’s not only hard it’s a lot of work. Some days are good while others are bad. Even if you’re in a relationship with your soul mate, you can bet that there will be days when you don’t get along or worse! You don’t like each other.

Men always complain about a woman’s mood swings. They attribute our moody behavior to “that time of the month”. It always makes me chuckle when I hear that. The reality is we are moody not because it’s “that time of the month” but hello!!! Men have mood swings too!! At times they are grumpy, happy, sleepy, bashful, sneezy, dopey and on a occasion you may find your partner becomes. “Doc”.
Sound familiar?!!

Well ladies, I’ve come to the conclusion we aren’t moody after all. No Siree!!! The fact is, there’s a name for this. It’s called Snow White and the seven Dwarfs!!! And, you’re in a relationship with either one or all of them!!!! I’ve been in a few relationships in my life time. I’ve been with them all. Grumpy , Happy…..heck I’ve even added a few to the list. Asshole. Jerk and Arrogant. I can attest that in every relationship, I could count on one of the dwarfs emerging once or twice. Then blaming “my time of the month!” However, I never dreamed I’d hit the jackpot and find a guy with all seven dwarfs hiding inside of him! Lucky me and lucky you because if in the back of your mind you’re wondering if you are experiencing the “Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs” relationship, I’ve taken notes and I’m about to reveal them to you. Now keep in mind, I am not a professional. These tips are strictly based on personal experience.

Doc – Doc is the guy who is glued to the TV Monday – Friday at 4:00 when the Dr Oz show comes on. He records every episode and can easily win an award for being Dr Oz’s biggest fan! He usually wears 2 hats. Doc & Happy.

Sneezy – Sneezy emerges when you wear a fragrance you know he’s allergic too after he’s been “Grumpy”.

Sleepy – Sleepy is the guy who stays in bed until 2 pm. He’s very sleepy from being up all night watching TV. He’s also the guy who still takes a nap after over 12 hours of sleeping.

Bashful – Bashful is the guy who is shy when it comes to going to a hair salon. He’s so “Bashful” he insists on cutting his own hair. The positive of Bashful is your guy occasionally looks just like a very important TV personality in your life. Captain Kangaroo!!!

Dopey – Dopey is the guy when confronted about something you know is true, he immediately throws on the “Dopey” hat and acts dumb!!

Grumpy – I don’t like Grumpy. He’s mean!! I don’t like meanies. Grumpy can be described as a real buzz kill. A real Debbie Downer and/or on occasion very insulting. When Grumpy emerges, meditate or take a walk before you have a “mood swing” and want to throw a shoe at him!!!

Happy – Happy is the guy that smiles and showers you with love and affection. He’s a real blast to be around and so much fun. He laughs at all of your jokes!!

After experiencing all 7 dwarfs, I’ve come to the conclusion that “happy” is my favorite. I can do without the others. If you find yourself dealing with all 7 at the same time…it means you’ve landed a guy with multiple personalities so my personal advice is….RUN and don’t look back!!!!

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Living The Dream….God’s Dream 8-14-14

I woke up this morning to the sound of lawn mowers, hedge trimmers and happy voices from the lawn care people happily working here at Maui Hills. The sun was shining, the view of the ocean from my lanai was simply beautiful. Any one would feel happy, peaceful but yet facing my reality made it difficult to feel anything but sadness. I felt sad about my kids. They haven’t spoken to me since I left Washington. It hurts so much. The sadness of my disease, my appearance, no job, the guilt of being in paradise without my kids and family was just overwhelming. Like every morning I read my daily affirmations in the hopes of reading something that might lift my spirits and make me happy again. I prayed. I asked God to please save me. I also asked him to send people my way today that would offer me encouragement and hope. I got up to get changed so I could go on my morning walk. As I looked at myself in the mirror I noticed some of my hair was growing back. One would think I’d be elated but as I looked closer the hair growing back was grey!!! Well friends, that was fuel to the fire. I had been told that after chemo you may find some changes when your hair starts growing back. Some experience curly hair, darker hair, straight hair and/or grey hair. Grey hair?! Can things get any worse? I actually found myself looking forward to my next four chemo treatments in the hopes those pesky grey hairs would fall out and God would realize I look better as a brunette!! I started out on my walk. It was a beautiful, hot morning. I decided to listen to Rick Warren’s message on Daily Hope. Rick Warren is so inspirational and uplifting. I would recommend listening to him when you’re feeling down. Today’s message was. “keeping the crazy makers from making you crazy”. Great message considering I’m not only surrounded by crazy maker’s I’m guilty of being a crazy maker myself!!! Ouch!!! As I listened to Rick, confusion set in. Is he talking about me or all the nuts surrounding me?! If you’ve ever been to Kehei, Maui you know that there’s only one strip. I walk the only strip every morning. I’m like clock work. I walk the same time every morning and I walk to Foodland and turn around. Yesterday I walked an extra block. That was a surprise!!! On the way back there were two men walking in front of me crowding the sidewalk. I decided to walk around them. I’m not sure who engaged first, but we began walking side by side and having a friendly conversation. These men were named Kevin and Russell. They were airline pilots for American Airlines. Kevin was from Dallas and Russell was from Nashville. We talked as if we were long lost friends. At some point I shared a little bit of my story. Kevin was the first one to say “I’m going to be praying for you”. I was taken by surprise. Kevin began to tell me that god had a plan for all of us. He said we all are ” living the Dream….God’s dream”. Not always is God’s dream what we had in mind but we have to remember God’s dream is bigger than we could ever imagine. As Kevin spoke to me I remembered the prayer I had prayed earlier. I asked God to send people my way to offer me encouragement. I don’t know about you but I’d say my prayer was answered. I felt so comfortable talking to Russell and Kevin I shared my hopes, my dreams and I even shared some of the challenges I’ve faced in my life time. I told them my dream was to make a difference. I told them how I had a dream of writing a book one day and sharing my story in the hopes of making a difference in someone’s life. I told them how I wanted to be standing on a podium, sharing my story and giving others hope one day. Russell said “you’ve already made a difference by sharing your story with us. If you can make a difference in one persons life, then you’ve done your job. You’re already living God’s dream”.  Kevin reminded me that all we have to do is get through today. God didn’t bring me this far to not make it. He told me to keep fighting and just get through today every day. We exchanged business cards and hugged each other. Kevin has a website. If you’re interested look it up. http://www.Livehisdream.com. Kevin and Russell made a difference in my life today, I hope that not only will I make a difference in those reading my blog, but I hope going to Kevin’s website will make a difference in your life too. God speaks to us through people. Today he spoke to me through Kevin and Russell. Who knows maybe he’s speaking to you through me today. I sure hope so. Stay strong. Keep fighting. Never give up. If I can do it…..so can you. Cancer sucks! But guess what?! I’m still here and so are you. Just for today keep living the dream…..God’s dream that is!!