Girls that’s been cheated on.
Coming Back to Center in a Relationship
BY MADISYN TAYLOR
In a long-term relationship, it is often necessary to get back to basics and come back to center with each other.
Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that the dance of intimacy involves coming together and moving apart. Early in a relationship, intense periods of closeness are important in order to establish the ground of a new union. Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, budding relationships demand time and attention if they are to fully take root. Once they become more established, the individuals in the union begin to turn their attention outward again, to the other parts of their lives that matter, such as work, family, and friendships. This is natural and healthy. Yet, if a long-term relationship is to last, turning towards one another recurrently, with the same curiosity, attention, and nurturance of earlier times, is essential.
In a busy and demanding world full of obligations and opportunities, we sometimes lose track of our primary relationships, thinking they will tend to themselves. We may have the best intentions when we think about how nice it would be to surprise our partner with a gift or establish a weekly date night. Yet somehow, life gets in the way. We may think that our love is strong enough to survive without attention. Yet even mature trees need water and care if they are to thrive.
One of the best ways to nourish a relationship is through communication. If you feel that a distance has grown between you and your partner, you may be able to bridge the gap by sharing how you feel. Do your best to avoid blame and regret. Focus instead on the positive, which is the fact that you want to grow closer together. Sometimes, just acknowledging that there is distance between you has the effect of bringing the relationship into balance. In other cases, more intense effort and attention may be required. You may want to set aside time to talk and come up with solutions together. Remember to have compassion for each other. You’re in the same boat together and trying to maintain the right balance of space and togetherness to keep your relationship healthy and thriving. Express faith and confidence in each other, and enjoy the slow dance of intimacy that can resume between the two of you.
This is so true. I’ll never forget when I was in San Francisco. My ex had been so awful. To the point I cried profusely. I left the house and went to my church and prayed at the altar. On the way home I was angry at God. Even yelling at him. I stopped at a convenience store before going back home. As I walked in, an older man walked in behind me. As we walked towards the back he suddenly said “I want you to know God heard you tonight”. I looked at him and said “excuse me”. He said “God saw who hurt you tonight and made you cry. He wants you to know he will deal with him but he also wants you to know he has a plan for you. Everything is going to be alright”. I was so taken aback. He told me God had a plan for me. He said don’t worry about the person who hurt you. God will deal with him but as for you he has a plan and everything is going to be ok. I began to cry. This stranger put one arm around me and raised his other arm in the air and said “St Catherine of Sienna I ask you to intercede for this woman tonight. May you offer her the same gift you offered me years ago!” I looked at him and asked “Are you Catholic?” He answered “we are all Catholic”. He went on to share a story when he was in Europe and was down and out. He prayed even praying to St. Catherine of Sienna asking her to pray for him. A miracle happened. He prayed that I too would receive the same gift of a miracle he received that time.
Now you might wonder who this man was. I have no idea. He was just a business man who was lost in the city. He had google map on his iPad and wanted to ask the store clerk questions. Before he left he said “I’m so glad I walked in here tonight. God bless you.” He walked out and got in to his Mercedes and drove away.
I probably will never forget this night. They say God speaks to you through people. I have always been grateful he spoke to me through a stranger that night.
How many of you women have found yourself in toxic relationships with a man who continuously treats you like garbage. He causes so much havoc in your life that you think you’re going insane?
I’ve found myself in these types of relationships a time or two. My guy was guilty of gaslighting me to the point I lost my sense of self respect as well as integrity. I could no longer make decisions. My head was always racing with crazy thoughts. Even thoughts of suicide.
A dear friend once sent this to me and as I read the message I found myself embarrassed. Even though the words were hurtful, especially coming from my best friend who is a male. Sadly I knew everything he said was true. I found myself reading the message this morning. I wanted to remind myself that I had to always value myself more than I value a relationship with any toxic person.
I’m sharing these questions my friend asked me to ponder while going through my own drama because I know there are many women out there who are in abusive, toxic relationships with a narcissist person whose only value is in gaslighting you and making you crazy. You’re not crazy. As you read this maybe you will relate to some but not all of the questions. If you do, I pray you find the strength to get out before it’s too late. Take pride in the woman you are. I need to always do the same. I often remember the words my dad used to say to me “Velma….men are like greyhound busses. There’s always another one at the next stop going to the same place for the same fare”. In other words, there is always someone better out there. Don’t waste your time with anyone who disrespects you, cheats on you, calls you names or makes you feel crazy when he lies to you claiming he’s simply telling a white lie or blames you for his indiscretions and saying you’re crazy. You’re not crazy!! It’s not your fault!! They are the problem. Not you. Instead walk away and pray for the next victim that comes in contact with that person. Their story will be your story in no time flat. I don’t wish my story, my experience with anyone.
This is what my friend wrote:
You LOVE a guy who….
1. Cheats on you (in my case hours before my flight landed to go see him)
2 A guy who likes dildos in his ass. (Humiliating in itself)
3 A guy who is broke ass poor.
4. A guy who cheats on you with women who are basically whores (I’m not sure they were whores rather victims like me)
5. You find all this out when you find his tablet (yup. That’s how I found out. I knew something was amiss so I snooped)
6. He nickels and dimes you
7 He calls you names ALL the time (bitch, _unt, you’re crazy, possessed just to name a few)
8. He lives 5 states over (we lived in different states)
9. You don’t see him on a regular basis (always fighting. One minute he wanted me and the next he ignored me and wouldn’t take my calls. He needed to meditate and drift)
10. He Gaslights you. (Example he called me a freak. When I confronted him saying not to call me that ever again he accused me of hearing things. Omg. He made me crazy!)
11. Lies about everything. His excuse is he’s not lying. He just tells a bunch of “white lies to protect our relationship! Bullshit! He is a liar!
12. Doesn’t value you nor does he respect you.
13 If he really wanted you he would fly to you for a day or two (I had to fly to see him and pay not only to get there but everything while being there)
14 He laughs at you behind your back. You’re crazy and obsessed! Remember?!!
15 No game plan or commitment. The only commitment is the one he wants from you.
Why do you want to be with such a total loser?!!
You decide! Read this again until you understand what he is! A loser! Your a loser as much as he is if you continue to stay with him.
I still find myself mortified when I read this. What on gods green earth was I thinking?! The truth is, I wasn’t. My life had become insane.
It’s hard to take that first step and walk away. Harder to heal from the craziness. However, time heals everything and before you know it you will head to the “bus stop” and find a better guy going your way.
If you need someone to talk to please email or call me. I’ve been there. I get it. I will listen and be your support as you make the decision to take your power back and dump that loser who has overtaken your life.
March 4th for the past 17 years has been my sobriety anniversary. Every year I celebrate another year of sobriety. This year I didn’t have that opportunity.
Many of you look up to me for being strong. I often hear I’m an inspiration. I’m extremely embarrassed but today I have to be honest with myself and all of you.
Up until last July I have faced my challenges. Often times white knuckling life and often times on my knees praying for god to grant me the strength to get through another day. Last July I had my breaking point. I gave up on myself, god and life in general. I don’t feel the need to share the personal details of what happened but I will say for me it was the last straw. I picked up a bottle. In the beginning my drinking was occasional but by December my drinking had become my only way of coping with the many challenges that life continues to throw my way. What can I say? I relapsed.
Last fall, I somehow managed to get myself in therapy as well as seeing a psychiatrist. It’s no secret. I am battling chronic PTSD. I also succumbed to agreeing to anti depressants. Still I kept drinking. I wasn’t going out or anything like that. In fact, I have to find the humor in the fact that I spent my evenings like a hermit isolated in my room, watching Hallmark, CNN and even Dr Pimple Popper while drinking a glass, or shall I say, a bottle of wine. I am so embarrassed.
Through the grace of God I recognized my downfall. I picked myself up and got my ass to AA. I was not only honest with myself, but honest with the people I love. I didn’t sugar coat it. I owned it. I have owned it ever since.
Today I’m 30 days sober. It sucks to start all over again after 16 1/2 years but I’m sharing because like anyone in sobriety I’m only human. I’m also sharing because I want everyone including myself to recognize relapse happens. The important thing is to recognize it, own it and start doing the work. I am attending AA four nights per week, celebrate recovery one night per week, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I also have a life coach.
I owe myself an apology for letting myself down but more importantly I owe the people I love an apology for letting them down too.
Sobriety is hard work. Especially when life throws you a curve ball. Or in my case one curveball after the next. However sobriety is possible if you want it. I want it! I’ll do anything to stay this way including being honest. I’m not always perfect. But who is? One thing about me that those who know me is if I did it, I’ll admit it. Relapse….I did it and I admit it. I recognize it and I’m doing something about it. Thirty days may not seem like a lot after 16 1/2 years but I did it once and I’ll do it again. Thirty days is only the beginning.
With that said I hope that my honesty helps someone struggling today.
No one is coming to save you. Drop the damsel in distress act and pick up your goddamned sword. You know what you need. Get up and make it happen.
I’ve always loved this song. Even when I was a young girl this song would hold a special meaning. It never failed, it came on in the Knick of time to offer me the comfort I needed at that time. It reminded me then and still reminds me today to….Let It Be. I’m posting in the hopes that if anyone is struggling that this song will come as a reminder that whatever you’re going through….Let It Be. Everything is going to be ok. Many if you may not know the true meaning of this song, but here it is.
Paul McCartney wrote this song. It was inspired by his mother, Mary, who died when he was 14. Many people thought “Mother Mary” was a biblical reference when they heard it.
According to McCartney, this is a very positive song, owing to its inspiration. One night when he was paranoid and anxious, he had a dream where he saw his mother, who had been dead for ten years or so – she came to him in his time of trouble, speaking words of wisdom that brought him much peace when he needed it. It was this sweet dream that got him to begin writing the song.
He told the story to James Corden when he appeared on his Carpool Karaoke segment. “She was reassuring me, saying, ‘It’s going to be OK, just let it be.’ I felt so great. She gave me the positive words. I woke up and thought, ‘What was that? She said ‘Let It Be.’ That’s good.’ So I wrote the song ‘Let It Be’ out of positivity.”