Relapse 4-11-19

March 4th for the past 17 years has been my sobriety anniversary. Every year I celebrate another year of sobriety. This year I didn’t have that opportunity.

Many of you look up to me for being strong. I often hear I’m an inspiration. I’m extremely embarrassed but today I have to be honest with myself and all of you.

Up until last July I have faced my challenges. Often times white knuckling life and often times on my knees praying for god to grant me the strength to get through another day. Last July I had my breaking point. I gave up on myself, god and life in general. I don’t feel the need to share the personal details of what happened but I will say for me it was the last straw. I picked up a bottle. In the beginning my drinking was occasional but by December my drinking had become my only way of coping with the many challenges that life continues to throw my way. What can I say? I relapsed.

Last fall, I somehow managed to get myself in therapy as well as seeing a psychiatrist. It’s no secret. I am battling chronic PTSD. I also succumbed to agreeing to anti depressants. Still I kept drinking. I wasn’t going out or anything like that. In fact, I have to find the humor in the fact that I spent my evenings like a hermit isolated in my room, watching Hallmark, CNN and even Dr Pimple Popper while drinking a glass, or shall I say, a bottle of wine. I am so embarrassed.

Through the grace of God I recognized my downfall. I picked myself up and got my ass to AA. I was not only honest with myself, but honest with the people I love. I didn’t sugar coat it. I owned it. I have owned it ever since.

Today I’m 30 days sober. It sucks to start all over again after 16 1/2 years but I’m sharing because like anyone in sobriety I’m only human. I’m also sharing because I want everyone including myself to recognize relapse happens. The important thing is to recognize it, own it and start doing the work. I am attending AA four nights per week, celebrate recovery one night per week, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I also have a life coach.

I owe myself an apology for letting myself down but more importantly I owe the people I love an apology for letting them down too.

Sobriety is hard work. Especially when life throws you a curve ball. Or in my case one curveball after the next. However sobriety is possible if you want it. I want it! I’ll do anything to stay this way including being honest. I’m not always perfect. But who is? One thing about me that those who know me is if I did it, I’ll admit it. Relapse….I did it and I admit it. I recognize it and I’m doing something about it. Thirty days may not seem like a lot after 16 1/2 years but I did it once and I’ll do it again. Thirty days is only the beginning.

With that said I hope that my honesty helps someone struggling today.

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The All The Time Guy 4-2-19

A friend from Brazil shared this with me a few years ago. She said in Brazil there’s a sayin’ about men. There are 3 types of men. The good time men. The bed time men and the all the time men.

The good time man is the man who is with you through the good times. And I mean the good times only.

The bed time man is just that. A bed time guy. Only there for one reason and one reason only. My friend would say the bed time men can be found at every street corner.

Then there’s the all of the time man. He’s the guy who’s there with you in the good times, the bad times, the down times and the up times.

My friend would say in Brazil women have these three choices. They can choose the man who’s only there in the good times. Bales on you in the bad. They can choose the man who’s only there in the bed times. Of course you can find a bed time guy on every street corner. The safe bet is to chose the all the time man. He’s the guy who will be there for you in sickness and in health. He will be by your side in the good times and the bad times. He will love you unconditionally forever and always. My friend would say “I don’t know about you but I choose the all the time man”.

I think about my friend sometimes and find myself grateful for her Brazilian words of wisdom. I have a friend experiencing some stuff in her life. As I listened to her story my Brazilian friends words of wisdom came to my mind. My dad used to say “men are like greyhound busses. There’s always another one at the next stop”. I’ve always loved my dads analogy but somehow my friends words of wisdom make more sense.

Dear Me 11-12-18

Dear Me, (you)

Why is it that you’re everyone else’s greatest cheerleader, but you struggle to pick up the pom poms for yourself?

Don’t you realize that your cheer means more to others when they see you yelling “Yes you can!” for yourself? Only when you’re your own greatest cheerleader can you achieve what you must.

Not hearing that voice within?

YOU CAN DO IT! YES YOU CAN! BE YOUR SWEET SELF’S GREATEST FAN!

Highs and Lows 11-12-18

I’ve put $3 worth of gas in my tank before and I’ve put $40 in my tank. I’ve had $5 to feed myself and I’ve had $500 to go out to eat. I’ve asked for rides and given rides. I’ve had a house full of food and I’ve been without food. I’ve given people clothes. I’ve been given clothes. I’ve been in stores cashing out with no worries and I’ve also had to add it up and put it back. I’ve paid my rent in full and I’ve had to pay it late too. I’ve given money and I too have had to ask for it. We all have highs and lows in life, some certainly more than others, but we’re all just trying to make it. No one is better than anyone else, and I pity those who think that they are. No matter how big your house is, how new your car is, or how much money sits in your bank account – we all bleed red and will all die someday. Death has no discrimination neither should your life. Be kind to others. And know not everyone has the same heart as you… The people who pretend they love you so much will leave you standing in all the storms just so they can shine…

I Challenge you to copy & paste this! Most people won’t because they’re the person I’m talking about…. But if you are Genuine, Post A Picture of yourself.

Enjoy life! You only get one. ❤️

Being A Silver Girl 9-26-18

This past May I posted this song on my blog. Not for any reason other than I think the song is beautiful. I love the lyrics. As I listened to the lyrics this morning while I was at the gym, I began to ponder the lyrics. Like many women, Silver Girl is a woman caught up in a high tech world. While some of us can not relate to the high tech world, I think as women we can all relate to the fact that we are all caught up in an “all man’s world”.

Like Silver Girl, some of us have the Midas Touch. Some of us are Lady Luck. Some of us are Golden Girls. Some of us are girlie girls. Some of us have a million bucks and some of us look like we have a million bucks. At times, many of us are actresses putting on a performance as we face challenges every day. I can certainly relate to being an actress. Often times people think they know everything about me but they don’t. I don’t think anyone truly knows what’s in my soul. They don’t know my fears, my insecurities, my pain or even my joy. All I know, I’m just me. Right or indifferent….I am who I am. I’m just me.

As women we are all different but one thing for sure, like Silver Girl, often times we look back at the hard times and recognize how far we’ve come. It’s mind blowing. Personally as I look back at all the trials and challenges I’ve faced it is very mind blowing for me. I don’t always want to remember but I do. One thing I know, despite everything I’ve been through, I’m still here. I’m still standing. I have some regrets but I keep getting up.

Like Silver Girl, I feel alone sometimes. I am confident I’m not the only woman in the world to feel lonely. I’m insane beyond my years from all my experiences and like Silver Girl despite it all, I will forever be an adventurer. I’m sure many women reading today can relate.

I’d like to imagine myself dressed in all silver. Successful, strong and wealthy. I don’t know Silver Girl but somehow I feel like her when I listen to this song.

Today I dedicate this song to all the Silver Girls out there. We stand strong. We stand together and we stand in all Silver as Silver Girls. Women with a force to be reckoned with. Women in an all mans world surviving and winning every day.

Lap Top Life 7-21-18

I’ve had this dream to live a “lap top” life. Meaning, I can work or do anything I want to do from anywhere by simply using a lap top. I would love to start my coaching business. I want to write a book and I’d love to share my story all over the world standing on a stage wearing a super “hot” red dress. I would even love to be a healer In some capacity. I’ve been praying and waiting for god to answer my prayer. I’ll admit I’ve been rather frustrated. As you know prayer goes a long way but god just doesn’t throw things out of the sky. You have to take action. Hello….now I tell me! Lol

I’ve been waiting for my dreams to come true and my prayers to be answered. However, the other day I had an “aha” moment. I want this “lap top” life and yet my prayers haven’t been answered. Could it be because I don’t have a laptop?!!!

I’ve made the decision if I want to lead this “lap top” life it’s time for me to take the first step and buy a lap top. Isn’t it amazing how we can get so discouraged thinking god will never answer our prayers when the only thing he’s waiting for is for us to make the decision to take action. What an easy yet complicated concept.