Don’t Take Things Personally 4-28-20

A friend of mine was set to get married on April 4th at Dodger Stadium. He had finally found the love of his life or so he thought.

The coronavirus happened as well as the shutdown in California. He was laid off from his job and when he was, his fiancé dumped him. Her reason. “You have no job”. Wow! Well he’s been brooding and is naturally devastated. While my heart goes out to him I managed to tell him this woman clearly wasn’t the love of his life. Or better, he wasn’t hers.

I got a sappy text today from him. His ex fiancé hasn’t even bothered to contact him. In her eyes, he’s a loser. In my eyes, well she’s a bitch! But it’s none of my business. My reply was the following. Don’t take things personally. My motto if your partner can’t love you in the bad times……NEXT!!! We all need a little reminder. Whatever happens….don’t take it personally. You’ll only hurt yourself if you do.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up….

But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.”

Taking It All Too Hard 1-29-20

I love Phil Collins. I especially love the lyrics to this song. It’s one of my favorite Genesis Songs. The lyrics really touch my heart. Relationships are hard. Sometimes things go awry. Maybe your spouse cheats on you, maybe there’s a betrayal, sometimes life happens and you drift apart and rather than try and work things out you allow your resentments of the past to dictate the demise of your once happy home or relationship. The next thing you know you’re alone and missing that special someone but like the song “you keep it to yourself”. Left wondering “Wouldn’t it have been easier to realize that the old days were gone and tried to create new ones?” In other words let the past go and try to find the happiness you once shared together again.

Recently I heard of a young woman who’s husband was cheating right under her nose with her neighbor and friend. I’m sure she’s devastated. I heard this song today and thought of her and her young children. Betrayed and alone and probably missing the man who brought her so much pain. My prayer for her is that god will heal her pain as well as the pain her friend caused to her own guy. Life is not a game and neither are relationships. Heartache is real. And from my own experience heartache really sucks. Being cheated on is the worst.

The beauty of this song is that despite being alone and missing his partner he realizes that those days are gone and it’s ok to move on. He realizes the relationship has come to an end. He succumbs to the fact that it’s ok to move on. What a great song. We’ve all been there a time or two and while the pain is real it eventually gets better the minute we let go and move on.

Coming Back To Center 5-1-19

Coming Back to Center in a Relationship

BY MADISYN TAYLOR

In a long-term relationship, it is often necessary to get back to basics and come back to center with each other.

Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that the dance of intimacy involves coming together and moving apart. Early in a relationship, intense periods of closeness are important in order to establish the ground of a new union. Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, budding relationships demand time and attention if they are to fully take root. Once they become more established, the individuals in the union begin to turn their attention outward again, to the other parts of their lives that matter, such as work, family, and friendships. This is natural and healthy. Yet, if a long-term relationship is to last, turning towards one another recurrently, with the same curiosity, attention, and nurturance of earlier times, is essential.

In a busy and demanding world full of obligations and opportunities, we sometimes lose track of our primary relationships, thinking they will tend to themselves. We may have the best intentions when we think about how nice it would be to surprise our partner with a gift or establish a weekly date night. Yet somehow, life gets in the way. We may think that our love is strong enough to survive without attention. Yet even mature trees need water and care if they are to thrive.

One of the best ways to nourish a relationship is through communication. If you feel that a distance has grown between you and your partner, you may be able to bridge the gap by sharing how you feel. Do your best to avoid blame and regret. Focus instead on the positive, which is the fact that you want to grow closer together. Sometimes, just acknowledging that there is distance between you has the effect of bringing the relationship into balance. In other cases, more intense effort and attention may be required. You may want to set aside time to talk and come up with solutions together. Remember to have compassion for each other. You’re in the same boat together and trying to maintain the right balance of space and togetherness to keep your relationship healthy and thriving. Express faith and confidence in each other, and enjoy the slow dance of intimacy that can resume between the two of you.

A real Man Never Hurts A Woman 4-19-19

This is so true. I’ll never forget when I was in San Francisco. My ex had been so awful. To the point I cried profusely. I left the house and went to my church and prayed at the altar. On the way home I was angry at God. Even yelling at him. I stopped at a convenience store before going back home. As I walked in, an older man walked in behind me. As we walked towards the back he suddenly said “I want you to know God heard you tonight”. I looked at him and said “excuse me”. He said “God saw who hurt you tonight and made you cry. He wants you to know he will deal with him but he also wants you to know he has a plan for you. Everything is going to be alright”. I was so taken aback. He told me God had a plan for me. He said don’t worry about the person who hurt you. God will deal with him but as for you he has a plan and everything is going to be ok. I began to cry. This stranger put one arm around me and raised his other arm in the air and said “St Catherine of Sienna I ask you to intercede for this woman tonight. May you offer her the same gift you offered me years ago!” I looked at him and asked “Are you Catholic?” He answered “we are all Catholic”. He went on to share a story when he was in Europe and was down and out. He prayed even praying to St. Catherine of Sienna asking her to pray for him. A miracle happened. He prayed that I too would receive the same gift of a miracle he received that time.

Now you might wonder who this man was. I have no idea. He was just a business man who was lost in the city. He had google map on his iPad and wanted to ask the store clerk questions. Before he left he said “I’m so glad I walked in here tonight. God bless you.” He walked out and got in to his Mercedes and drove away.

I probably will never forget this night. They say God speaks to you through people. I have always been grateful he spoke to me through a stranger that night.

Missed Again 4-14-19

I was on my way home listening to Sirius radio in my car. I love the 80’s station among the 70’s, Motown and jazz. Today I was listening to the 80’s channel. What can I say? I still love the 80’s. Mark Goodman, the announcer on the radio was telling the story of Phil Collins album after his divorce before he played a song from Phil Collins. One of the songs he wrote on his divorce album was “Missed Again”. I love this song!! As I listened I found myself laughing to myself. I thought “missed again?….the story of my life” lol.

Like the song I’ve “missed again” many times. Sadly I’ve been divorced for 17 years. In those 17 years I’ve had three relationships. All of which “I missed again” every time. A friend once told me there are three billion men in the world. Surely, the right guy is out there. I googled how many men there are in the world. Google is so smart. They know everything. Can you believe there really are over three billion men in the world?

According to Google and the world’s statistics, there are more men than women in the world today. The United Nations estimates the number of men to approximately 3,776,294,273 while women are estimated to be approximately 3,710,295,643. Approximately, 107 boys are born for every 100 girls born. Aug 24, 2017

If you ask me, the playing field just got interesting. So ladies if you’re feeling down in the dumps tonight. Maybe you find yourself in a crappy relationship. Or worse, you’re either recently single or you’ve been single for quite sometime. Relax! Those failed relationships have just been learning curves preparing us for the perfect guy we have yet to meet and with over three billion super men to choose from….grab yourself a sukiyaki and stop fretting. Of course if you’re like me and can’t drink. How about a little “Taste of Honey”. Their sukiyaki is the next best thing.

https://youtu.be/xqFkUNqBwMw

The All The Time Guy 4-2-19

A friend from Brazil shared this with me a few years ago. She said in Brazil there’s a sayin’ about men. There are 3 types of men. The good time men. The bed time men and the all the time men.

The good time man is the man who is with you through the good times. And I mean the good times only.

The bed time man is just that. A bed time guy. Only there for one reason and one reason only. My friend would say the bed time men can be found at every street corner.

Then there’s the all of the time man. He’s the guy who’s there with you in the good times, the bad times, the down times and the up times.

My friend would say in Brazil women have these three choices. They can choose the man who’s only there in the good times. Bales on you in the bad. They can choose the man who’s only there in the bed times. Of course you can find a bed time guy on every street corner. The safe bet is to chose the all the time man. He’s the guy who will be there for you in sickness and in health. He will be by your side in the good times and the bad times. He will love you unconditionally forever and always. My friend would say “I don’t know about you but I choose the all the time man”.

I think about my friend sometimes and find myself grateful for her Brazilian words of wisdom. I have a friend experiencing some stuff in her life. As I listened to her story my Brazilian friends words of wisdom came to my mind. My dad used to say “men are like greyhound busses. There’s always another one at the next stop”. I’ve always loved my dads analogy but somehow my friends words of wisdom make more sense.

Divorce 7-14-18

I was talking to a friend yesterday who is going through a divorce. For those of you have been through one of those you can relate. Breakups or Starting over is no fun task. I encouraged my friend and reminded her there are 3 billion men in the world. Surely the right guy is out there. A couple of years ago I wrote this blog. I still laugh at myself when I read it. I shared this blog with her. We both found it to be hilarious. My point was, she’s not the first person to go through a break up. We’ve all been there and we’ve all gotten through it. Eventually looking back at the experience, like me we all find the humor in the whole thing, and we’re able to share our experience with someone else and inspire them to keep moving. I’ve since been blessed to find my knight in shining armor. Life is good once again. As for my break up, well it’s just a thing of the past I can poke fun at. I’m sharing this blog hoping to bring someone in need a good laugh.

https://fiercefabulousfunny.com/2016/06/03/dating-sites-what-are-they-good-for/amp/

What Can I Say…I’m A Nerd 4-24-18

I am notorious for listening to the Motown station as well as The Groove, 70’s and 80’s stations on Sirius radio in my car. What can I say, I’m stuck in a time warp. The other day I picked up my niece and nephew after school listening to one of these stations. I don’t recall which song it was but I’m Confident it was from the Disco era. My niece got in the car and said “aunt Velma. Can you please turn down that music?” I turned around and asked “why? Don’t you like it?” She said “No! Its embarrassing!” Lol. Mind you she’s only 7. My kids used to think I was the ultimate nerd. Now I know it’s true. Even my niece and nephew are embarrassed.

Today on the way to pick up my niece I thought I’d venture out and listen to something from the 90’s. I pulled up at the school jamming to The Smashing Pumpkins. No word from my niece other than “can you please turn off the heater? I’m roasting in this car!” Lmao. I should mention besides being a musical 70’s nerd, I’m also always cold and am notorious for always having my heater on. Even in the summer. I think it might be time to break free from This time warp I’ve been living in otherwise my grandkids are going to call me a nerd one day too. With that said I’ll leave you with one of my classic tunes that after all these years I still listen to in private.

Just Me And My Mom 3-31-18

I was on Facebook this morning reviewing all of my Facebook memories from my timeline. This memory popped up. I posted this on March 31, 2014 right before I was diagnosed with cancer. I was really sick at the time. My diagnosis came ten days later. As I read my post I thought to myself how grateful I am that I’m now home with my mother. After all, it’s been the support of my mother that has carried me through the past few years.

Some times I want to “throw momma from the train”. At times I even wonder what my life would be like if I could just run as far away from here and live my life to the fullest without my mother. My dad used to say “you only have one mother and one father. When their gone you have nothing”. My dad is no longer with me but thank god I have my mother.

As I pondered the following post it occurred to me that maybe the dream I had so many years ago was a message from my guardian angel warning me to go home to my mother. Looking back, I wish I had. Maybe fighting cancer with my mother by my side opposed to enduring cancer treatment with my abusive ex boyfriend, might certainly have brought a much better outcome than I have lived through these past four years. I finally realized that being home with my mother is where I’m supposed to be.

If your mother is still alive I’d like to encourage anyone reading this today to reach out to her. Tell her you love her. Spend time with her. In the end it’s your mother who will Be by your side in the good times and the bad times. It’s your mother who will love you unconditionally forever and always. It’s your mother you will call out to if only in your dreams.

March 31, 2014. “The other night I had a crazy dream. I am still bewildered by it. I can’t remember all of it, more importantly I can’t remember the woman in my dream. In my dream I was afraid of the woman and I knew I needed my mother. I woke up screaming for my mother. I kept yelling for my mother to help me. I didn’t remember any of this until Ron told me. It bothered me so much. I called my mom just now & can you believe she’s been dreaming about me too. She’s dreamt we were together & I was making her laugh so hard she was crying. It’s funny. As teenagers the first person we turn against is our mother. I know I’m guilty of that & I know my own kids have done the same to me as have the kids of many of my friends. Mothers are regarded as nerds. We are a pain. We drive our kids crazy. But when we are in a state of desperation or in need of comfort, love, encouragement or even a hug the first person we run to is our mother. I guess at this time in my life I need my mother. It’s weird since I always ran to my dad. Not this time. This time I cried for my mother. Be good to your moms today. It may come as a surprise but while we all need our mothers, they need us too. In my case my mother must need her goofy daughter to bring back the laughter we’ve shared for so many years. Here’s to my mother. I love you mom. Thanks for being the best mom ever. Thanks for loving me and always being the one I can run too. I miss you mom. Soon…very soon. I’ll be with you telling you stories and bringing you joy and making you laugh.”

Love More, Hurt Less 3-9-18

How To Love More and Hurt Less From Relationship Failures by Crystal Aryana

“Love is never a failure unless you miss the lesson.” – Anonymous

There’s one thing that almost everyone does that guarantees your relationship will not succeed in the long term, but it’s so common that it’s hard to recognize you even do it.

This simple little thing that people do pretty much destroys your ability to truly connect – and even truly love.

It turns love into a commodity that you barter for, rather than the infinite connection that it really is!

It’s the idea and practice of “transactional love” and it’s the #1 reason why most relationships fail (and how you can “fail yourself” onto the path of learning what real, conscious love is by contrast.)

In other words, I believe, love can be divided into two major kinds: transactional love and conscious love. Much of the suffering we experience comes from our failure to tell the two apart.

What Is Transactional Love?  

It’s the kinda “don’t rock the boat and everyone feels good” kind of love or the “I let you stay stuck in your dysfunctional patterns, if you let me stay stuck in mine” kinda game.

It’s a sneaky kind of co dependence that creeps up on you in your relationship that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and unsupported without knowing why.

Transactional love is the kind of codependent love that must be “earned.”

Transactional love is based on bargains, reciprocates, and keeping tabs on who does what for who (and even going as far as listing it for them). What’s crazy is practically everything we call “love” in today’s modern world basically falls under this category – an exchange.

The problem is that we are using love as a manipulation tool, instead of just existing in love itself – first and foremost with ourselves and then with our loved ones.

Sometimes we fail to recognize when we are “being in attachment” and we go about living our lives thinking it’s actually the “right way” to love someone.

Here’s a good example:

I have a friend who’s parents would only show him love when he did well in school, or performed well at the sporting event.  If his performance wasn’t “up to par” then his parents would treat him more like an outsider.

The poor guy grew up his entire life thinking he needs to earn love by doing a good job, because not doing a good job equated to he wasn’t worthy of love.

This creates a serious emotional attachment to the outcome of “doing a good job” which means “I am only loved when I do well” that it can create an entire buffet of codependent and addictive behaviors, just for him to feel like someone cares.  A perfect cocktail for relationship failure.

We tend to get attached to people because of how they move or inspire us to feel. We believe that we’re in love with a particular person when in fact we’re attached to them. If you’re not in love with WHO his human is – outside of any benefit or meaning to you  – then you simply love the way they make you feel.

This means what you really need is for someone to fill a void in your life or boost your self esteem.  This is why you might even feel sick when this person leaves you because you tend to feel lonely without them around. When in truth, it’s not THEM that you miss, you just miss what they can do for you.

This is why we call this kind of codependent love “transactional” and why it’s so easy to get attached this way.

The hard part is that humans LOVE TO BE attached.  We get attached very quickly and easily.  We get attached to objects, events, and people. We get attached to our personal belongings, a special place, routines, environment, atmosphere, almost everything.

When you love through attachment you become self-centered. You tend to feed your needs with these particular things. And people are not an exception.

Because here’s the bottom line:  Love is not a transaction.  You do not barter love.  You don’t trade for love.

In a lot of ways, attachment is the opposite of love, even though we’ve all been trained to think otherwise. Attachment masquerades as love.

It says, “I will love this person because I need them.” Or, “I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you love me the way I want.”

This isn’t love at all – it is attachment! And unhealthy attachment is rigid and controlling.  It is very different from love. When there is attachment, there is clinging and fear.

So What Is Conscious Love? 

The question we must ask our self is what is the type of relationship that we want to have? Do we want to have a transactional relationship, or a truly loving relationship.

Concious love starts with yourself, you don’t dissolve in another person. You are an independent unit and you have your own life plan and goals, regardless your partner. Then your relationship will empower and amplify your life.

When you are attached, you wait for this person to fulfill your happiness, you bind yourself to him. This is a debilitating condition, when you place your well-being into someone else’s hands. Without the partner, you are lonely, discontented, broken, and incomplete.

If you find yourself in a clingy attachment, it may be necessary to take a break for growth, revelation, and enlightenment. When you are loving yourself and others consciously, a break away from your lover won’t break you.

Conscious love and connection is where one feeds the self from within love and thus shares this state of being and doing with others, meeting each other in the middle and not needing to “take” from each other – yet feed ourselves from within.

Conscious love is what it takes to dissolve harmful emotional attachments and codependency (which can lead to self sabotaging or abusive situations in relationships if left unchecked without healthy boundaries and communication in place).

This being “all in” kind of love is doing a “whatever it takes to get it done” kind of devotion. It is a shared, grounded understanding of each other that is authentic, transparent, congruent, and accepting. Conscious love knows itself with a capacity for emotional intelligence and self awareness.

Real conscious love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aims to possess.

If we examine our attachment with compassion, we can see how it is constricted and conditional; it offers love only to certain people in certain ways—it is exclusive.

This is the definition of TRUE love.  It doesn’t measure.  It doesn’t compare.  It just exists to be embraced, embellished and enjoyed.

And you don’t need to earn a thing 🙂

So now let me ask …

What Kind Of Love Do YOU Have?  

One type of love is transactional, co dependent, based in attachment, and displaces true feelings for neediness and addictive behaviors.

The other is independent of outcome, based in infinity, feeds itself just by existing, and leads to honest, empathetic connection between two people.

Conscious love doesn’t measure, doesn’t compare.  Love just is, and loves.  From this paradigm love is not transactional, it is essential, because we ARE LOVE without needing to “earn it” outside of ourselves.

When you take a step back and look at the type of love you are giving and receiving, and see it in this way, it puts a lot of things into perspective.

That’s what I love so much about your Love Power Reading.  It goes deep into what kind of love life you’re meant to live, how you go about living it, and when you’re destined to find what you’re looking for.