Coming Back to Center in a Relationship
BY MADISYN TAYLOR
In a long-term relationship, it is often necessary to get back to basics and come back to center with each other.
Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that the dance of intimacy involves coming together and moving apart. Early in a relationship, intense periods of closeness are important in order to establish the ground of a new union. Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, budding relationships demand time and attention if they are to fully take root. Once they become more established, the individuals in the union begin to turn their attention outward again, to the other parts of their lives that matter, such as work, family, and friendships. This is natural and healthy. Yet, if a long-term relationship is to last, turning towards one another recurrently, with the same curiosity, attention, and nurturance of earlier times, is essential.
In a busy and demanding world full of obligations and opportunities, we sometimes lose track of our primary relationships, thinking they will tend to themselves. We may have the best intentions when we think about how nice it would be to surprise our partner with a gift or establish a weekly date night. Yet somehow, life gets in the way. We may think that our love is strong enough to survive without attention. Yet even mature trees need water and care if they are to thrive.
One of the best ways to nourish a relationship is through communication. If you feel that a distance has grown between you and your partner, you may be able to bridge the gap by sharing how you feel. Do your best to avoid blame and regret. Focus instead on the positive, which is the fact that you want to grow closer together. Sometimes, just acknowledging that there is distance between you has the effect of bringing the relationship into balance. In other cases, more intense effort and attention may be required. You may want to set aside time to talk and come up with solutions together. Remember to have compassion for each other. You’re in the same boat together and trying to maintain the right balance of space and togetherness to keep your relationship healthy and thriving. Express faith and confidence in each other, and enjoy the slow dance of intimacy that can resume between the two of you.
This is so true. I’ll never forget when I was in San Francisco. My ex had been so awful. To the point I cried profusely. I left the house and went to my church and prayed at the altar. On the way home I was angry at God. Even yelling at him. I stopped at a convenience store before going back home. As I walked in, an older man walked in behind me. As we walked towards the back he suddenly said “I want you to know God heard you tonight”. I looked at him and said “excuse me”. He said “God saw who hurt you tonight and made you cry. He wants you to know he will deal with him but he also wants you to know he has a plan for you. Everything is going to be alright”. I was so taken aback. He told me God had a plan for me. He said don’t worry about the person who hurt you. God will deal with him but as for you he has a plan and everything is going to be ok. I began to cry. This stranger put one arm around me and raised his other arm in the air and said “St Catherine of Sienna I ask you to intercede for this woman tonight. May you offer her the same gift you offered me years ago!” I looked at him and asked “Are you Catholic?” He answered “we are all Catholic”. He went on to share a story when he was in Europe and was down and out. He prayed even praying to St. Catherine of Sienna asking her to pray for him. A miracle happened. He prayed that I too would receive the same gift of a miracle he received that time.
Now you might wonder who this man was. I have no idea. He was just a business man who was lost in the city. He had google map on his iPad and wanted to ask the store clerk questions. Before he left he said “I’m so glad I walked in here tonight. God bless you.” He walked out and got in to his Mercedes and drove away.
I probably will never forget this night. They say God speaks to you through people. I have always been grateful he spoke to me through a stranger that night.
I was on my way home listening to Sirius radio in my car. I love the 80’s station among the 70’s, Motown and jazz. Today I was listening to the 80’s channel. What can I say? I still love the 80’s. Mark Goodman, the announcer on the radio was telling the story of Phil Collins album after his divorce before he played a song from Phil Collins. One of the songs he wrote on his divorce album was “Missed Again”. I love this song!! As I listened I found myself laughing to myself. I thought “missed again?….the story of my life” lol.
Like the song I’ve “missed again” many times. Sadly I’ve been divorced for 17 years. In those 17 years I’ve had three relationships. All of which “I missed again” every time. A friend once told me there are three billion men in the world. Surely, the right guy is out there. I googled how many men there are in the world. Google is so smart. They know everything. Can you believe there really are over three billion men in the world?
According to Google and the world’s statistics, there are more men than women in the world today. The United Nations estimates the number of men to approximately 3,776,294,273 while women are estimated to be approximately 3,710,295,643. Approximately, 107 boys are born for every 100 girls born. Aug 24, 2017
If you ask me, the playing field just got interesting. So ladies if you’re feeling down in the dumps tonight. Maybe you find yourself in a crappy relationship. Or worse, you’re either recently single or you’ve been single for quite sometime. Relax! Those failed relationships have just been learning curves preparing us for the perfect guy we have yet to meet and with over three billion super men to choose from….grab yourself a sukiyaki and stop fretting. Of course if you’re like me and can’t drink. How about a little “Taste of Honey”. Their sukiyaki is the next best thing.
A friend from Brazil shared this with me a few years ago. She said in Brazil there’s a sayin’ about men. There are 3 types of men. The good time men. The bed time men and the all the time men.
The good time man is the man who is with you through the good times. And I mean the good times only.
The bed time man is just that. A bed time guy. Only there for one reason and one reason only. My friend would say the bed time men can be found at every street corner.
Then there’s the all of the time man. He’s the guy who’s there with you in the good times, the bad times, the down times and the up times.
My friend would say in Brazil women have these three choices. They can choose the man who’s only there in the good times. Bales on you in the bad. They can choose the man who’s only there in the bed times. Of course you can find a bed time guy on every street corner. The safe bet is to chose the all the time man. He’s the guy who will be there for you in sickness and in health. He will be by your side in the good times and the bad times. He will love you unconditionally forever and always. My friend would say “I don’t know about you but I choose the all the time man”.
I think about my friend sometimes and find myself grateful for her Brazilian words of wisdom. I have a friend experiencing some stuff in her life. As I listened to her story my Brazilian friends words of wisdom came to my mind. My dad used to say “men are like greyhound busses. There’s always another one at the next stop”. I’ve always loved my dads analogy but somehow my friends words of wisdom make more sense.
I was talking to a friend yesterday who is going through a divorce. For those of you have been through one of those you can relate. Breakups or Starting over is no fun task. I encouraged my friend and reminded her there are 3 billion men in the world. Surely the right guy is out there. A couple of years ago I wrote this blog. I still laugh at myself when I read it. I shared this blog with her. We both found it to be hilarious. My point was, she’s not the first person to go through a break up. We’ve all been there and we’ve all gotten through it. Eventually looking back at the experience, like me we all find the humor in the whole thing, and we’re able to share our experience with someone else and inspire them to keep moving. I’ve since been blessed to find my knight in shining armor. Life is good once again. As for my break up, well it’s just a thing of the past I can poke fun at. I’m sharing this blog hoping to bring someone in need a good laugh.
I am notorious for listening to the Motown station as well as The Groove, 70’s and 80’s stations on Sirius radio in my car. What can I say, I’m stuck in a time warp. The other day I picked up my niece and nephew after school listening to one of these stations. I don’t recall which song it was but I’m Confident it was from the Disco era. My niece got in the car and said “aunt Velma. Can you please turn down that music?” I turned around and asked “why? Don’t you like it?” She said “No! Its embarrassing!” Lol. Mind you she’s only 7. My kids used to think I was the ultimate nerd. Now I know it’s true. Even my niece and nephew are embarrassed.
Today on the way to pick up my niece I thought I’d venture out and listen to something from the 90’s. I pulled up at the school jamming to The Smashing Pumpkins. No word from my niece other than “can you please turn off the heater? I’m roasting in this car!” Lmao. I should mention besides being a musical 70’s nerd, I’m also always cold and am notorious for always having my heater on. Even in the summer. I think it might be time to break free from This time warp I’ve been living in otherwise my grandkids are going to call me a nerd one day too. With that said I’ll leave you with one of my classic tunes that after all these years I still listen to in private.
I was on Facebook this morning reviewing all of my Facebook memories from my timeline. This memory popped up. I posted this on March 31, 2014 right before I was diagnosed with cancer. I was really sick at the time. My diagnosis came ten days later. As I read my post I thought to myself how grateful I am that I’m now home with my mother. After all, it’s been the support of my mother that has carried me through the past few years.
Some times I want to “throw momma from the train”. At times I even wonder what my life would be like if I could just run as far away from here and live my life to the fullest without my mother. My dad used to say “you only have one mother and one father. When their gone you have nothing”. My dad is no longer with me but thank god I have my mother.
As I pondered the following post it occurred to me that maybe the dream I had so many years ago was a message from my guardian angel warning me to go home to my mother. Looking back, I wish I had. Maybe fighting cancer with my mother by my side opposed to enduring cancer treatment with my abusive ex boyfriend, might certainly have brought a much better outcome than I have lived through these past four years. I finally realized that being home with my mother is where I’m supposed to be.
If your mother is still alive I’d like to encourage anyone reading this today to reach out to her. Tell her you love her. Spend time with her. In the end it’s your mother who will Be by your side in the good times and the bad times. It’s your mother who will love you unconditionally forever and always. It’s your mother you will call out to if only in your dreams.
March 31, 2014. “The other night I had a crazy dream. I am still bewildered by it. I can’t remember all of it, more importantly I can’t remember the woman in my dream. In my dream I was afraid of the woman and I knew I needed my mother. I woke up screaming for my mother. I kept yelling for my mother to help me. I didn’t remember any of this until Ron told me. It bothered me so much. I called my mom just now & can you believe she’s been dreaming about me too. She’s dreamt we were together & I was making her laugh so hard she was crying. It’s funny. As teenagers the first person we turn against is our mother. I know I’m guilty of that & I know my own kids have done the same to me as have the kids of many of my friends. Mothers are regarded as nerds. We are a pain. We drive our kids crazy. But when we are in a state of desperation or in need of comfort, love, encouragement or even a hug the first person we run to is our mother. I guess at this time in my life I need my mother. It’s weird since I always ran to my dad. Not this time. This time I cried for my mother. Be good to your moms today. It may come as a surprise but while we all need our mothers, they need us too. In my case my mother must need her goofy daughter to bring back the laughter we’ve shared for so many years. Here’s to my mother. I love you mom. Thanks for being the best mom ever. Thanks for loving me and always being the one I can run too. I miss you mom. Soon…very soon. I’ll be with you telling you stories and bringing you joy and making you laugh.”