Do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder “How in the heck did I get here?” You find yourself living a life that seems like a dream and not a good dream at that. Maybe more like a nightmare. You’re lying in bed and the only voice in your head is Ozzie Osbourne belting out “All Aboard!!!” Is your answer yes? Yeah…Me too!!!
September 14th will be the anniversary of my dad’s passing six years ago. What a journey it’s been. The only way to describe it…..It has certainly been one hell of a “Crazy Train”. I have spent the past six years grieving. When I say grieving, I mean for two years I cried every day. I slept with my dad’s ashes next to my bed. I had nightmares every night. Up until a few months ago I stopped believing my dad was coming back and finally accepted that he was gone. I’ve spent more days then I can count balling my head off. I’ve spent six years trying to figure out how to live my life without my dad as my sidekick. I haven’t done a very good job at it either. Three of those years I found myself fighting cancer among other things including a crazy boyfriend who I should mention was not only a freak, but he was 20 years older than me and made my life even more crazy than it already was. I have battled grief, cancer, abusive relationships, loss of work due to illness, memory loss, anxiety, depression, PTSD and the real clincher, I lost everything I ever worked for. My life is in financial disarray. I’m not only rock bottom, I’m even living with my mom. How embarrassing. Somehow, this life isn’t what I had in mind for myself. I feel like George Constanza from Seinfeld. I’m unemployed, a nut and I live with my “parent” and let me tell ya, living with my mother hasn’t been a cake walk. I have often joked I’d like to throw momma off this “Crazy Train” I’ve found myself on.
For those of you who have followed me, you know my story. My story is not your typical Hallmark feel good story. No, my story is more like a VH1 TV Series. The difference between my story and say… those reality TV shows on VH1, my story is the real deal. You can’t make up this crap. I’ve been on a Crazy Train since September 14, 2011. Like the song “I’ve been going off the rails”. The good news is as I approach my dad’s six year anniversary, I find myself coming out of this fog and I’m beginning to hear the whistle blow. I am beginning to hear Ozzie belt out “Stop Ahead” opposed to “All Aboard” FINALLY!!
Dying sucks!!! Especially when the person that dies happens to be your dad, best friend and the only side kick you’ve ever known. My dad was all of the above to me. A week before my dad passed away, we were on our way home from seeing his doctor who had told us my dad only had a couple of weeks left to live. I was devastated. I asked my dad what I was going to do without him. I’m not sure if my dad recognized that I was serious. He told me I was going to be fine and asked me to watch over “Mother Superior”. My dad’s nickname for my mother. My dad and I had a special bond. He wasn’t just my dad, he was my best friend. Undoubtedly the most important man in my life. Was my dad perfect? Hell NO! Daddy was a rebel!!! A fun rebel who always looked out for me. My dad used to say “Velma, men are like greyhound busses. There’s always another one at the next stop, going to the same place for the same fare” I believed him which is why I wasn’t one of those women that cried for too long after a break up. For me it was on to the next. Unfortunately, while my dad’s words of wisdom came in handy when it came to boyfriends or even an ex-husband, his words of wisdom didn’t include living without him. My dad was and will always be the Greyhound Bus I will never be able to replace.
Today is a new day. Life is getting better. I am finally on the mend. I am ready to start over. I’m even eager to begin a new phase in my life. A life without my dad, but a life with purpose. People always say time heals all wounds. These words are true, however I don’t believe there should ever be a time limit on how long it should take to heal from the loss of someone you love. Many people have lost their parents. Many of them have bounced back in a matter of months. It took me six years. My advice to anyone who might be grieving the loss of someone they loved, give yourself some time. I don’t have a time limit. You shouldn’t either. It’s different for everyone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And if you find yourself waking up from what seems like a bad dream which is actually your life and you hear Ozzie Osbourne belting out “All Aboard”……Don’t worry about it. In every “Crazy Train” ride, there’s always a stop and a new beginning. As my dad’s anniversary approaches, I am ready to get off this “Crazy Train” and start living life again. My dad is no longer with me, but he will always be with me in spirit. He will always have a place in my heart that is hidden from the world. My private place where the love for my dad will live on forever or until we meet again.
lotsa hugs and healing thoughts for you. 🙂
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Thank you Jim