I’ve had a hard week. Sometimes I get so sick of the side effects left from fighting cancer. In fact I find myself wishing this had never happened to me. I’m sick of having disgusting nails that won’t grow, I’m sick of my short hair, I’m sick of lymphodema and the sleeve, glove and the new compression UN-sexy bra I had to order, I’m sick of neuropathy, I’m sick of having to remember to take my hormone blocker, I’m sick of the osteoporosis cancer caused and boy am I tired of the memory loss and being vilified for not remembering things. People don’t understand how hard this is!!! It’s not like I purposely forget. I just don’t remember!!! I hate this intrusive port that protrudes out of my collar bone, I’m sick of worrying about money and I’m sick of being a nuisance at restaurants because I can’t eat so many types of food! Why?! Because God decided fighting cancer with an abusive ex boyfriend as my only support wasn’t enough! He had this ridiculous idea to throw in Hashimotis, thyroiditis & while he was at it he thought “why not? I’ll give her pre-colon cancer and a hysterectomy too” I hate cancer!!! I want to break up!! I’m lonely and I’d like to trade in my cancer for something better like a new life on the beach in Maui!!!
Today was Sunday. I went to mass at the church I’ve been attending since arriving at my moms. I really needed some words of inspiration. What I received was anything but inspiration. I have no idea what the homily was about. I lost track after hearing the priests story about cutting his finger while shredding cabbage. I left mass extremely unfulfilled!! I’d give anything to be home in San Francisco attending mass at St Dominics church. I miss the church so much and the peace it always brought me. The homilies always gave me hope.
I spent the day alone. I mustered up the strength to drive to Moses Lake where I went to the three clothing retail stores that were open. I stopped at a local bistro and ordered chips and salsa, a gluten free cookie, latte and ice water and sat outside by myself. I found myself so lonely. I wish I had a partner to do things with. It’s very lonely here. I was lonely in San Francisco but the city provides so much energy and so many things to see and do that it kept my mind much more occupied than being in a small town does. Who knows, maybe I’ve been a city girl all along.
Afterwards I went to adoration and prayed. I cried all the way home. Sometimes I wish God would look down on me and say “you’ve had enough” and my life would be Rosie again. I give up.
We all go through challenges in life. I’m no exception. I just wish my challenge would come to an end. I saw this quote the other day on Facebook. I’m posting it because today I just feel like packing up and getting out of here. Starting a new life away from all the negativity and heart break in my life certainly sounds inviting. As usual, Maui always comes to mind. It would be so nice to be on the beach, not a care or problem in the world. Just peace, the sound of the ocean and the serenity of a beautiful sunset……I wish!! Today is not my best day. In fact…..Life sucks but in the words of Scarlett O’Hara “tomorrow is a new day”. I’ll deal with this crap tomorrow!
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Velma, I Love You & I understand the memory portion & the why did I have to get this mentality, I’ve had it too! But God does Not give out Disease but He can help You through it! He didn’t give You all these other Ailments, But He’s waiting for You to ask Him for His Help through His son Jesus . I know it gets Depressing, but instead of listing off all the crappy things that have happened, Why not Count Your Blessings & Recognize & Thank God for helping You fight Cancer? 😊🙏. Your Always in My Prayers!
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Thanks patty. 😀
Patty I believe in God and I don’t blame him. I know he didn’t cause all this to happen. I’m not Wonder Woman nor am I the Bionic Woman. I’m human like you and everyone else. I can’t always be positive. I have my limits. I get tired sometimes. It isn’t that I don’t count my blessings because I do. I’m just being honest about how I feel. That doesn’t make me a bad person it just makes me an honest one by sharing how I truly feel. I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m lonely, I’m insecure, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated…..I’m not the only one. Life is just so hard sometimes. I’m sure there are many woman reading my blog who are on overload too and feel the same way. I just don’t want to pretend life is peaches and cream because it’s not. Thank you for your kind words and thank you for your prayers. It means so much to me! 😀