Letting Go 7-21-15

I woke up this morning thinking about my dad. I haven’t thought about him for some time but for some reason the past few days he’s been on my mind. I find myself reflecting on the memories we shared, the laughs and the good times. Today though, I recalled a memory that reminded me of the words of wisdom he instilled in both my brother and I as we were growing up. 

God works in mysterious ways and clearly he’s been working in my life.  I’ve been blessed in so many ways. I have a new grandson who fills my heart with so much love, I’m surrounded by family and I’ve been blessed with the most amazing people who have come in to my life to offer their encouragement, support and many words of wisdom. At times, I haven’t liked what they’ve had to say but that’s merely because deep down I’ve known it was the truth. 

Recently I’ve connected with a friend who has not only been a source of encouragement but has given me the courage to see things as they really are. Oddly, it was I who reached out to her in the beginning  to offer her support but it’s been her that’s really been my inspiration. She is amazingly wonderful. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am for her. God has used my friend  to finally knock some sense in to me. These past few days I’ve really taken her words of wisdom to heart. I have some healing to do but I won’t accomplish anything until I finally take a stand and start doing the work to heal myself.  I’m praying for my own healing, letting go and closing the door to what’s behind me so I can focus on the many blessings God has in store right in front of me. My well being depends on this. 

This morning as I was getting ready a memory popped in to my head. I hadn’t thought about it in a very long time so I was surprised to find myself reflecting on it. Many years ago, my dad had asked me to join him and my brother and assist them in running the company. I was apprehensive however, reluctantly accepted. I’ll admit working at my dad’s company came with many challenges and being a female didn’t allow for much respect from the male community. 

I found myself thinking about a man we did business with. Ironically his name was Ron. I won’t go in to detail describing who he was or what company he was with. I will only share the particulars of the day Ron came to our office to see me. Ron sat down on the chair in front of my desk. He had a head set wrapped around his ear along with a mouth piece that was attached to his cell phone. He sat on that chair sporting a smug attitude and proceeded to insult me. He said things like “you have no business being here”, “you’re a woman” and “you haven’t earned the right to be here”. I sat there and listened. As I listened to his unkind words, I had to refrain myself from jumping over my desk and strangling his neck, throwing him around like a tether ball and calling him names. I remained calm and instead allowed him the opportunity to behave so arrogantly. When he was finished I looked at him in the eye and asked “are you done?” He replied “yes”. “Well then, do you know what I think, Ron? I think you’re  a male chauvinistic pig and I’d like to kindly ask you to get the hell out of my office!”  He was furious and demanded an apology. I vehemently refused saying “I will not apologize because I’m not sorry. I’m only sorry I didn’t take that head set of yours and snap you over the head with it!”  Ron raced to my dads office to tattle demanding my dad forced me to apologize. When my dad approached me I explained what that man had said to me. I will never forget what my dad did next. He turned around and told Ron to leave his office. He said “you will never treat my daughter like that again!”  He left. My dad ended up doing business with Ron’s competitor. He had to pay more money but he didn’t back down. My dad always told me and my brother that we had to be strong and stand up for ourselves. He advised us to never allow any one to disrespect us or treat us poorly. My dad would say the minute we did, we opened the door to allowing ourselves to being disrespected. He was right!

As I thought about this incident I remembered the woman I was only three years ago. I was strong, vibrant, determined and a real spit fire with a sense of humor. Somehow I lost that. I even lost the attributes my dad had spent his entire life instilling in my brother and I so we had the courage and strength to fight for ourselves, defend for ourselves but more importantly respect ourselves. I lost that. 

This past couple of years have been a challenge.  Between fighting cancer and everything that came along with the fight, I allowed myself to be treated poorly in the process. I’ve spent the past couple of months filled with anger, resentment and a broken heart. As I said earlier, recently I was blessed to have a friend come in to my life and offer just the right words of wisdom I’ve needed to begin the process of letting go and finally healing. Not to mention, a desire to actually do the work. 

This will be the last time I speak of my failed relationship. I will however share experiences if I feel they’re appropriate and helpful to others but I no longer want to keep bringing up that pain. I’m taking my friends advice and beginning the process of letting go and healing myself and allowing the door to open to finally receive the blessings God has in store for me. As I think about my dad, if he were here, we would be sitting in his office eating watermelon or a slice of pie cracking jokes about my failed relationship. I can still hear the words my dad would say “Gordy, men are like greyhound busses. There’s always another one at the next stop, going the same place, for the same fare!” Then he’d hand me $100 bill and tell me to go buy myself something pretty. My dad isn’t here anymore but I’ve been blessed with an angel who I call my friend who said something much more subtle and wonderful. She said “You will never get back the person you met since the person you met was only an illusion. You can’t change an illusion so stop trying!”  She then encouraged me by saying “it’s time to let go”. I’ve heard the words “let go” many times these past couple of months but somehow when they came from her, they meant something. Her words touched my heart. Who knows, maybe it was my dad whispering in her ear and she was actually saying “Gordy it’s time to get well and move on”. My friend had a sayne that I really loved, even more than when my dad would refer to men as greyhound busses. Her words are this:

Remember, a partner is for sickness and in health. There are men for bedtimes and men for bad times. The best ones are those who are strong and solid and will endure any situation with you until the end. The bedtimes you can find at every street corner”

I loved this. She’s right. Things didn’t go well in my previous relationship but it’s possible I chose the man for bedtime or worse bad times. Next time I’ll choose the one whose strong and solid and will cherish me and be by my side til the end. I’ll be praying for just that for me and for my friend and for all of you reading too. Until then, I have a new man in my life. His name is Oliver and he’s my grandson. 

Today I begin the road to healing. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn’t here yet but just for today I’ll choose to find the blessing in where I am today. My life isn’t grand and I still have many challenges ahead of me but the good news is I have so much to be grateful for. I’m lucky and I know it.  I have God to thank for that and the many wonderful people I call my friends and family. With that said “what am I complaining about?!!”  Life is what you make of it. Maybe it’s time I make it the best life ever.  

    
 

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