Chemo #4. 9-19-14

It’s chemo day. My friend posted this video of a little girl doing a Brazilian Dance before chemo. This little girl melted my heart. Kids are so strong and so resilient. If I could have just an ounce of her courage I’d be over the moon. She’s such an inspiration!!!!

Today was the first time to use my port. I’m not going to lie. I was so scared. So many fears and anxieties. The nurses at California Pacific have been incredible. A nurse can really make a difference. I’ve been so fortunate to be surrounded by not only wonderful nurses but an entire Oncology staff that has made this journey just a little easier. Having the needle put in my port hurt but not as much as the numbing spray. Yikes!!! That burned. I’m embarrassed to say I nearly fainted. Not from the pain, but from the anxiety and fear I had built up. I survived!! I found myself crying afterwards. I’ve tried to be positive throughout all this but the truth is, I’m scared. Really scared. I don’t want to paint a pretty picture. I have a tendency to portray myself as a very strong person when facing a challenge that is overwhelming. I have to be honest. I’m not always strong. I’m not always positive. I’m human. I have fears and insecurities just like everyone. I’m scared a lot. I cry a lot. I pray a lot. I panic a lot. I worry a lot and I’m overwhelmed a lot. Fighting cancer has not only been difficult but I’m scared. Lately, I have found myself so overwhelmed from having cancer and all the other challenges that come along with this horrible disease. I wish I was 5 and I could just say to my mom “I don’t want to do this anymore” and move on to something else. Something a little funner and more joyful. But this is real life. Real life isn’t always fun. Not saying that I haven’t prayed and said “I’m tired of this. I don’t want to do this anymore. Make it stop” I meditated today and as I mediated I asked god why I had to go through this. I asked him why he was ignoring me. I asked him who can I inspire from all this. I believe in god. I believe he’s watching over me. Maybe he’s mad at me. Who knows. I’m no holy roller and I’m not going to pretend that I’m a person who has a solid relationship with god because I don’t but I do know I’m trying every day to have that connection and relationship with him. I don’t always hear him, feel him or even trust him. Are you kidding me? That would require giving up control of that pesky attitude I occasionally have that screams. “I want what I want when I want it and I want it right now”. I would love nothing more for my life to be perfect right now but that’s not the case. I’ve reached a point where having faith and a belief in God is all I’ve got. I’m going to get through this eventually. I pray something good will come of all this. I don’t want to give up on the hope there is a god and eventually he will see me through this. So just for today I’ll take chemo like a champ just like the little girl on this video has. She truly is an inspiration. If she can find a reason to get down and get funky…..well so can I!!!! And like the song by Journey “Don’t Stop Believing” I’m not about to stop believing there is a higher power watching over me. I know he loves me. You know what they say, this too shall pass but I have to accept that it will be gods timing and not mine. I would imagine I’ll be a stronger person for it.

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