I’m up early. I’ve been up since 5:00 this morning. I woke up to the many aches and pains that come along with Neulasta. Neulasta is a shot given after chemotherapy to stimulate healthy white blood cells in the bone marrow. Unfortunately, one of the side effects is achy bones. I feel like I have influenza. But you know what they say? “This too shall pass”. My arm is a little swollen today. I think it’s from the IV but who knows. I can’t think straight (chemo fog). I feel like I’m in a daze. My head is cold and it hurts. I look super lovely wearing a crocheted mint green beanie. What can I say ?! I’m a mess!!! I’m scheduled to get a port on the 15th. Not looking forward to that but it is what it is.
There’s a part of me today that wants to complain and be a “Debbie Downer” but the other part if me is saying “don’t give up!!” I know I have to keep going and I know I have to stay positive but I’ll admit, it’s hard. This is a tough fight. It’s even harder when you feel like “10 miles of bad road!” Yesterday, my stomach hurt so bad. It swelled up like a balloon. I looked like I was pregnant. I have no idea if it was from the chemo. All I know is I was miserable. I tried meditating, I went to accupuncture and I walked as much as I could. I don’t like complaining so throughout the day I continued to try and stay positive. Ron had to drive me to my doctors appointment. He kept asking questions and or offering advice. I couldn’t think straight. He was making me so angry. I was so irritated with him that in the back of my mind I kept thinking how Nice it would be to take my Dansko clogs off and hit him across the face with them. Yikes!!!! I told you I am a mess. Lol At 10 pm I knew I was slowly but surely becoming a loose cannon so I went to bed.
Yesterday wasn’t all bad. I woke up in the morning and I had an email message from a high school friend I haven’t spoken to or seen in 30 years. I was so surprised to hear from her. Especially since she’s been on my mind for the past few months. We had so much fun in high school. We were best friends. Party buddies. The thing I loved the most about her in high school was her bigger than life, positive spirit. She was the epitome of everything that was good and fun. She lived life to the fullest. We exchanged text messages and what I discovered is she hadn’t changed. She still has that positive, bigger than life outlook. She reminded me of who I am and where I came from. She reminded me of my strength. She also reminded me that friends will come and friends will go but the friends we grew up with are the people who mold us in to the people we are today. They know everything about us. We don’t have to pretend. We can feel comfortable just being ourselves and sharing our feelings and we can rely on they’re honesty when it comes to feedback. The best part is we can pick up where we left off. The thing about adolescence is life is still innocent. We haven’t experienced the ups and downs or even the hurts of life that we experience as we get older. When we’re young we are invincible. Life is good. Somehow as we go through life we lose that spirit. Yesterday when I heard from my friend I missed that feeling of being free, laughing and enjoying life to the fullest. More importantly I really missed home. She made me feel strong again. Hopeful again. She reminded me of my hopes, my dreams and all of the goals I had so many years ago and suddenly I felt like living again. Dreaming again. She texted me a picture with one of her favorite quotes. “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you only have today”. Along with the quote is a picture of her hand wearing a pink ring. She told me she was going to wear it every day until I beat cancer. I was so touched I cried. I have no other choice but to beat this.
Sometimes the universe sends us just what we need. It may be a long lost friend or it may be a challenge or trial but if we keep an open mind we are able to soon recognize the positive in it all. I was lying on the recliner this morning feeling like crap. I heard the buzz of an incoming text message. It was from my long lost friend. Once again she lifted up my spirits. Just for today I’m so grateful that the universe send her my way. I’m going to get through this and when I’m done, I’m going home where I belong. I’ll return with that same spirit I had so many years ago. Dream Big and Live Life. I’m from cow town USA and guess what? I’m proud of it. I’m a mom who needs her kids, I’m not anyone famous, I’ve made mistakes, I’m not perfect but what the heck. You only live once. I have a second chance so I’d better make the best of it. Today I’m sending this message out to the universe. Give me strength, courage and healing. May all my dreams come true and may I be home with my children, family and friends (old and new) ASAP. If not sooner. I’m also sending positive vibes out to anyone reading this. Life is good so keep on keeping on. Dream big and keep on living.
If you’re struggling today, don’t give up. My life is overwhelming right now but if you have faith nothing is too big for god. He’s with you. He sends signs every day. It may come in the form of a message or if you’re lucky like me, it comes from an old friend who reminds you to never give up.