One week ago today Ron and I flew to Maui. We arrived just in time for hurricane Isselle & Joel. We managed to fair through that without even a scratch. Saturday I woke up and my right eye was itchy and swollen. Sunday they were both swollen. The outer corners of my eyes hurt, itched and my eyes were so swollen I could barely look at myself in the mirror. Picture this! Bald with swollen red eyes. Not exactly a babe magnet on the beach. I’ve battled my eyes since then. Apparently it’s a side effect from Taxotere & I had been using a new eye drop and may have had an allergic reaction. Great!!!
Maui is such a wonderful place to be. It’s paradise. The peace and serenity of being here is indescribable. I’m very grateful to be here. Chemo has been really hard for me so my oncologist suggested I take a break and get my strength back. What better place to do that. Maui!!! My next treatment is August 29th. I’m already dreading it. I have to say I find myself feeling sorry for myself. I wish my life was different. I wish I didn’t have breast cancer. I wish, I wish, I wish. I am so tired of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing an unattractive stranger. I’m bald, run down and I look like a Genie. I have wigs but they are so uncomfortable sometimes. It’s easier to put on one of those silly hats or wrap a scarf around my head. I’ve had all of the side effects that can be a blow to the ego. Peeling hands and feet, swollen eyes w bags, blurry vision, puffy face and weight gain. The good news is I have my eyebrows and eyelashes and I don’t have to wax or shave. A huge savings if you’re a fan of Brazilian waxing.
I’ve prayed a lot during this trial. Sometimes I wonder if god has his ear plugs on. It seems to me that when we are facing a trial in our lives, it isn’t uncommon for things to go from bad to worse. This is true in my case. My family, friends & children are all in Washington state. My support system in San Francisco is minimal however the health care and resources in the Bay Area are incredible. I am so fortunate. The best place to fight breast cancer is San Francisco. I flew home a few weeks ago to spend time w my family. I had thought if I could be with my mom and children I could muster up the strength to fight. My trip didn’t go as planned. My youngest children decided that it was the appropriate time to punish me for every mistake I’ve ever made in the time I’ve been blessed to be a mother. They called me names, vilified me, made me cry and haven’t spoken to me since. I’ve cried every day since. I’ve prayed every day but I’m beginning to feel god is mad at me too. Last night my prayer was. “I’m tired of praying. You’re not listening to me anyway”. I believe in god and I know there’s a reason for all this but just for today I wish God would throw me a bone. They say god never gives us more than we can handle. He must think I’m one strong lady because I’ve been in the fire for 2 years now I’m battling cancer. I don’t wish this on anyone not even Kim Kardashian, even though if anyone needs a little humility it would have to be her. She’s awful. I know this too shall pass and one day I’ll look back and be able to see how far I’ve come but today I just don’t see it. Just for today I wish god would send me a miracle. Something that would give me hope again. It’s hard to fight cancer when you’re feeling hopeless. I’ve always been a strong woman but this is a battle that is wiping me out. Oh well. The sun is shining in Maui today. The view of the ocean is breathtaking so in the words of Scarlett O’Hara “tomorrow is a new day. I’ll deal with this tomorrow”